Dating Tips

How to Use Facebook to Be a Better Man

In case you have been living under a rock, there is this thing called the Internet nowadays. It is an amazing tool for the education and advancement of the human race. It can enhance our lives in ways we cannot even begin to imagine yet.

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The good news is we have unlimited access to all the accumulated knowledge on the planet.

The bad news is we all think we already know it all and don’t take the time to actually look any of that knowledge up, unless of course it jibes with our preconceived notions of how we feel the world should be, compartmentalized within our tiny selfish parameters.

Sadly all this knowledge has sputtered in a sloppy start. Beginning with “social” platforms originally invented to bring us closer together, allow instant communication, share ideas, and expand our minds with unlimited knowledge, that have sunk to the very bottom of social interaction.

Rumor is reported as fact, believed by the unaware or purposefully duped.

Narcissistic bragging is masquerading as humility and graciousness, aka the “humble brag.” It’s unrelenting envy on parade, a 24/7 portal to everyone else’s lives that are almost always seeming better than yours.

Unless, of course, they take the opposite tack, the cryptic “woe is me” post of seeming positive affirmations couched in a pathetic personal passive aggressive cry for help.

We all see it, we all know it, we are all tired of it. Stop it.

Then there are the unwavering hordes of whiny “victimbitches” simply waiting to be offended by any and every little thing. Tirelessly mining the interwebs til they can find a post, tweet, or blog article that has the subtlest whiff of disagreement to their self-centered myopic tiny minded view of life so they can rage against what they deem to be a personal affront to their integrity, opinions, and/or fundamental belief systems.

All of us have fallen into this category at least once.

We would never admit it of course. Except for just now. Um, I think I just did…

What most people seem to forget is that the internet is worldwide and that unless a personal message is sent directly to them, the chances of any single post being evenly remotely about them is about 4 Billion to 1. So the level of narcissism it takes to believe that any interaction online effects them is truly mind boggling.

Yet we see it every day on an endless loop. You post something you think is funny or interesting and your “friends” take umbrage, pick it apart, or admonish you for having a differing world view then their oh so righteous perspective. Suddenly you have an argument over trivial shit that morphs into something deeper, not remotely associated with the original flippant post you thought was quirky, cute, or funny and now you have un-elicited tension from an aggressive “victimbitch” who simply can’t abide other thoughts outside their narrow worldview.

And since you are a threat to their fragile Glass Menagerie, you are therefore a monster.

They now feel free to deem you any manner of terrible beasty, usually starting with typical easy to reach epithets of racist, bigot, homophobe, misogynist, etc, spiraling rapidly down to the unavoidable comparisons to Hitler.

No, I’m not simply talking about political debates here, I’ve seen the same pathway emanate from random cat videos.

It simply does not matter what you post. Someone out there is going to be offended.

It doesn’t matter how smart, respectable, or civilized they may be. Most people these days seem to have the thinnest skin imaginable. It is infuriating. And you can MAN up and use it to your advantage!

We are a world full of billions of people. Each person has a different view point. Some are well informed, some are not. Some agree with our views, some do not. The vast majority of the world may not agree with you on any given point.

Here is how to look at it: SO F**KING WHAT!

The world does not revolve around you. It never has, never will. People will disagree with you and that is awesome. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Sadly, in the era of giving kids trophies for breathing, we have raised a generation of self-absorbed, self-obsessed, selfie snappers. They are unaccustomed to differing viewpoints and can’t quite handle it.

Don’t be like them. Practice RESTRAINT.

Do NOT get drawn into unending arguments on social media that are doomed to defeat or at the very least both sides being upset and offended.

Read other people’s points of view with an eye toward non response. Stay above the fray. Don’t engage. You may think these people are absolute nutty biscuits on the verge of a mental breakdown. That is their problem, not yours.

Think of it as practicing ACTIVE LISTENING without interruption.

We as a social species connect and communicate openly and freely. Unless you are in a communist country of course (cue the victimbitches). As a social species we can’t wait to use our face holes to deliver our personal views to the world. But the more you speak, the less you listen. This includes digital communication. LISTENING is one of my pillars of confidence. If you can show a woman that you are actively listening to her, she will respect you more.

Practicing non-engagement on social media can help you you restrain from opening your mouth when you shouldn’t.

You may not agree with others points of view. You may not respect those views. You may even think they are absolutely out of their minds. But that does not mean you should give them a piece of yours. Have you ever heard the saying “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt?” Some ascribe the saying to Abe Lincoln or possibly Mark Twain. Regardless, it is a very wise proverb.

Practice restraint, hold your tongue (or your fingertips), read and/or listen to what others say and keep your trap shut. You will be amazed at what you can learn. Let the victimbitches fight it out. It’s a useless whiny waste of energy that is decidedly not attractive to women. And if you find yourself slipping into victimbitchitude, being offended by a random tweet, blog, or post just remember, the chances are 1 in 4 BILLION that it pertains to you at all. Don’t be a narcissistic snowflake. MAN up and MOVE on.

You've got a lot more important things to do.

Iconic Cities, Iconic Dishes, Iconic Dates

Here at “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)” I’m all about showing you adventurous dating tips. But not all of you can be trekking across the globe to share exotic locales with your lovely ladies. That can get a tad expensive.

But just because you can’t surprise her with a private jet trip over to Paris to punch a mime and grab a baguette doesn’t mean you can’t bring her the world. Every city has an iconic dish, an ingredient, or a local specialty that they are known for.

Once you visit those places these are the things you want to bring back home and savor those cherished memories. But if you haven’t been there yet what do you do? Thanks to the fancy intrawebs these days you can research just about anything. So now you can…

Bring the iconic dishes from iconic cities to your home and impress your dates.

This is a great way to show your ladies your adventurous side. Even if you are not particularly well travelled, you can both share a “pre-memory” of a place that you both want to visit through a few iconic dishes from the region. And they don’t have to be difficult to prepare.

For example, let’s say you both want to visit Argentina, as do I and my wife. What are they known for? Great wines, grilled meats, and tango predominantly. There are several easy ways prepare a killer Argentinean date night.

Don’t have a full on Argentine parrilla to roast up a side of beef on an open fire? Neither do I. But I can go down to my local store, grab a nice inexpensive bottle of Malbec and a couple of steaks. I can find a decent tango type station on iHeart Radio or Pandora for background ambiance. And now I am mostly set. But there is one step further you might wish to take.

Its not always the iconic dishes that make the meal, but the accoutrements that are added to the mix that really make it memorable.

In our Argentinean date night example you have the big three and that is great. But what will really evoke “future memories” is the addition of a chimichurri sauce (recipe here) which is the iconic condiment that really makes Argentinean meat dishes stand out.

Or if you are planning a tasty Indian adventure for your evening, you might want to prepare a simple lentil dal, tandoori chicken or tikka masala. But what are these dishes without some naan bread for soppin and a spicy sweet mango chutney to top it all off?

And what’s an Italian meal without a rich Chianti, some nice olive oil drizzled atop, and premium Parmesan cheese grated all around, but only use the good stuff! Don’t skimp on the extras, they can make or break a dish and they go a long way.

It’s the little details that can really knock her socks of (maybe even more).

Take the time to listen to her when she talks of far off lands she wants to visit and the dishes she wants to enjoy there. Be the man to spark her adventurous desires. Research a little, surprise her with a tasting menu of her dreams. Don’t just cook up a delicious meal, go the extra mile to discover what really makes that specific region stand out, and add the little tasty details.

You don’t have to fork out a ton of money and take her around the world to make her attracted to you. You can do it all right from your own home. It is amazingly simple and affordable. An added benefit is that you get to find out how well you click together beforeyou attempt one of the toughest tests of whether a couple can work – traveling together. And that is a whole other story……

Bon Apéttit!

Get Cookin' with this Sexy Oil

Get Cookin' With This Sexy Oil!

I have a cooking/sexy tip for you this week. And it involves one of my favorite ingredients, grapeseed oil. Grapeseed oil has many uses.

1. Cooking

Well, this use is fairly obvious. You can cook with it, as it has a high smoke point and makes a decent vinaigrette. But, actually for cooking, I prefer olive oil. Blame my amazing culinary memories of our Italian Honeymoon.

Olive oil is cold pressed and has been used for centuries. It truly is nutritional and beneficial in many ways. The benefits/dangers of cooking with grapeseed oil are still unknown really and it is usually pressed using hexane and other unnatural junk. So go for cold pressed to be safe.

I use grapeseed oil for general simple stuff, as other oils like canola and corn oil are pretty full of GMO crap. I also use coconut oil and grass fed butter a lot. Add these into your cooking rotation and you will be very happy indeed.

2. Massage 

Oh yes, grapeseed oil makes a GREAT massage oil. A little bit goes a long way. I have tried other oils and they just don't measure up. Olive oil gets very tacky, coconut oil coagulates when it cools and makes a creepy mess, and Vaseline is just wrong (I was young and it was handy, don't judge.)

Commercial massage oils are expensive and not always natural, full of chemicals and nasty junk. Grapeseed oil is good for you, silky smooth and you can add your own natural scents. Just add a few drops of rose oil for a nice aroma or a little peppermint oil for a nice peppy "zing."

3. Lubrication

Yep, just like with massage oils much of the commercial lubricants out there are full of chemicals that you can't pronounce. These are things you know you don't want to eat. So if you don't want to put these things into your body why would you put those things on your most sensitive sexy tidbits?

I would recommend you do not put too much peppermint oil in this particular delivery system as the tingle may turn to a raging fire down below. Not that I would know this....

Also be careful adding anything that might compromise the strength of any birth control apparatus you may be utilizing, do your homework!

Oh, and one draw back of grapeseed oil is that it will stain your sheets. But that can happen anyway, so it's not that big of a deal. Of course, there's always the option of covering your bed in plastic sheeting. If you aren't afraid of scaring your date in a Dexter-esque nightmare, I guess it could be a bit of kinky slippery fun. Just don't break a hip.

Keep Spicin' It Up!

 

 

Leftover Datin' Lovin'

o last night went pretty great, right? You had a beautiful lady over for dinner. A dinner you cooked, that was amazing, by the way. Your company was so riveting and the attraction was so amped up that your lovely vixen stayed the night.

Yes, that was quite the evening, my man.

When the morning comes you have yet another opportunity to wow her with your creative culinary prowess. Breakfast!

I have shared many great recipes for breakfast with you in the past, so today I want to share a general idea. One that will save you some headaches and some money while taking care of your luscious house guest.

You made something incredible last night and chances are there are some leftovers. Why not keep the awesomeness flowing and the memory of last night’s tastiness at the top of her mind. You can do that by incorporating some of last night’s dinner into your tasty breakfast via an omelette, a scramble, or even a fritatta.

I recently made an incredible dish of beef ragu inspired from my Honeymoon trip to Italy, a really simple dish that will be in my upcoming book, “FoodGame – the Ultimate Recipe for Dating Success.” The dinner was a big hit with my beautiful wife, evoking our homemade dinners while living for a short time in the Ligurian hills of Moneglia.

The next morning, and a couple days after, I had the good fortune to have enough ragu leftover to make some seriously hearty breakfasts that kept that memory alive for days. It’s a great feeling, bringing the sights, sounds, and smells of that time flowing back into my brain. You can give your date the same feeling with a little taste of last night.

Here’s the quick and easy…

breakfast-transformation-omelette-recipe

I usually start with sautéing some onions and garlic in olive oil as a base in a non stick pan.

Then I add in whatever leftovers I want to add. Once warm, I remove the mixture from the pan.

Bring pan back to medium high heat. Add the beaten eggs to the heated pan and let it set for a minute or so. Now you can add the mixture and form an omelette (pictured), or sprinkle mixture over the top and pop it in the oven or under the broiler for a minute for a fritatta. Or just scramble it all up in a big tasty mess!

leftover-omelette-recipe

Whatever you do, the simple addition of the previous evening’s flavor can spark more attraction and keep your date going well into the next day and lead to even more tasty goodness down the road.

Bon Appetit!

What Donald Trump Can Teach You About Dating

Bombastic, Irritating, Vindictive, Annoying, Pigheaded, Jackass, Racist, Hater, Vain. These are just a few of the epithets being tossed toward Donald Trump these days due to his less than measured recent political statements. For better or worse, many of these descriptives are probably accurate.

For those of you living under a rock, Donald Trump is the incredibly successful real estate entrepreneur who also helmed the popular reality TV series “The Apprentice” and runs the Miss USA Pageant (which was recently dropped by NBC and immediately picked up by Reelz).

He has gained much more notoriety recently by running as one of many possible Republican candidates for President of the United States. The run up to the official nomination is always a long hard fight. Trump’s fight has started off with a full frontal assault on the Politically Correct world.

Love him or hate him, Trump definitely shakes things up. And that is exciting.

But this is not a political article. As the arguments on his utterances rage on, I am quite sure the Trumpster will ruffle more feathers, garner more publicity, and entertain the hell out of us all. That is, after all, what he does. He is a showman and his show is most definitely going on.

So here we have a carnival barker with flyaway hair, running an entertaining show by bluntly stating things that, in our “instantly offended by everything” world, would get most folks thrown off the air or, at the very least, elicit a rapid mea culpa to the masses.

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But that is not who Donald Trump is. And that’s what he can teach you about dating.

For all his negatives, he has a plethora of positives. Despite the media narrative, he didn’t become one of the most successful people on the planet by being 100% evil. In addition to all the initial unflattering descriptives, Trump is also Shrewd, Decisive, Constant, Feisty, Loyal, Aggressive, Determined, Successful, and Candid to a fault – all things many women want in a potential mate.

No, I’m not saying all women want their own loud mouthed parade float who pokes at pussies.

Women want a MAN who stands up for what he believes in and firmly fights for it.

As an example, look at what Trump has done since his first official foray into the political world. He said something that riled up a bunch of people and unleashed immediate backlash by saying that Mexico was sending over rapists and drug dealers to America.

While it is true that there are thousands of convicted felons of illegal status in the country who have murdered, raped, and dealt drugs, and more pouring in over our wide open Mexican borders every day, his political opponents, saw an opening and ran with it. Business as usual.

As the story of what he stated was reported, re-reported, twisted, turned, opinionated upon, and used as a hammer to shut Trump the hell up, the kerfluffle reached a fever pitch. The inevitable scramble of people and business entities publicly distancing themselves from the offender (as has Macy’s, Univision, and others in Trump’s case) had begun.

This scenario is normally followed by the alleged offender making amends and begging for forgiveness for whatever slight was perceived whether right or wrong, intended or not.

But that is not what Trump does. That is not his modus operandi. Trump is a Fighter. He stands his ground when things get rough. And that is why he is gaining popularity. When was the last time you saw someone dish it right back to the PC thought police with unabashed frankness?

Politics aside, in life you want someone that you are involved with to be ready and willing to fight for you. Right or wrong. And one way to know if they will stand up for you is if they will stand up for themselves.

A woman wants, needs, and deserves a MAN who will stand up for her no matter what.

A MAN that will fight all foes with her and be on her side, right or wrong.

Be the MAN she can count on and you will be much more attractive.

A MAN ready to stand up for himself when others condemn him for speaking his mind.

Demonstrate that you know what you believe and are willing to fight for.

A MAN who, if he screws up, sure, apologizes, but not just because the opinions of others pressures him into silence.

Be a warrior for your ideals. With better hair.

A MAN who brings excitement to the dating game.

Don’t be boring. Ever. Keep it spicy.

If you were in his inner sanctum, do you doubt that Trump would fight like a pit bull for you if you were under fire? I bet he would. And the woman in your life needs to feel the same thing about you.

Does your lady believe that you will stand up and fight when your stance may be unpopular?

Do you fight for your beliefs when others opinions are against you? Or do you cave like a simpering beta male and ask forgiveness and permission to speak your own mind from the alpha establishment?

We see fewer and fewer people in this world fighting for their beliefs and defending their words. Trump is and that is why he is becoming more popular.

Strong MEN who stand up for themselves are attractive. Pompous showboats tap dancing on the edges of decency maybe not so much. But, agree or disagree, watching him peacock and defend his positions is definitely attractive. We just can’t look away.

Keep Spicin It Up!

Originally written July 22, 2015.

Time to Get Your Dating Google On

Welcome to the internet age. Everything you could possibly want to know is right there at your finger tips. You wanna learn how to cook the perfect steak? Boom! There it is. You wanna know where in the hell Wagga Wagga Australia is? Pow! Easy as pie. You wanna know if the girl you are about to date is a freak of nature who just might bludgeon you to death in your sleep with her hard cover copy of Gone Girl? Kablammo! A few clicks and the knowledge that just might save your life could be right there for your stern perusal.

Isn’t this a great time to be alive?!? You are awash in absurd amounts of data. Every day, the web grows more and more intense and acquires more data. So, in one sense, it is a great tool to help you accomplish more than you ever thought possible. But on the other hand, it is also a sponge that never releases the juicy tidbits of information that it absorbs. That means that…

The internet holds on to every stupid, foolish, drunken, misinformed, and otherwise dumbass thing you have every posted, tweeted, or Youtubed!

kimberly-spencer-spike-spencer-online

Yes, the great thing about the internet is that everyone now has a voice and can be heard across the globe. The bad thing about the internet is that everyone now has a voice and can be heard across the globe andthey say whatever idiotic thing they want. Being in the spotlight, somewhat, I have seen firsthand what the internet can do to you. I do have quite a bit of info out there on me. Some really great, like, “Spike Spencer is a frickin rock star!” And some not so great like, “Spike Spencer should rot in a corner and die of dick cancer.” Mmmm, sweetness and love.

The point is anyone can say anything about anyone and it will be registered and broadcast for the world to see. And unless you actively search out what is being said about you, you may never know that some random jackball out there in the ether may be destroying your chances with women.

Think about it this way, have you ever done a search for, say, a restaurant? You looked up the Yelp ratings, maybe a chowhound review, etc. What you found will undoubtedly influence your decisions. We are so conditioned that if we see a star rating, we unconsciously judge whatever is being rated according to a random rating system. One star, bad, five stars, good.

So what rating are you getting when the woman you have attracted Googles you? And believe me she will. We all do it nowadays. If you are checking her out, you can bet she is certainly checking up on you.

You need to be sure that you are being represented in a good light in the online world.

So, how do you do that?

1. Google yourself...on all search sites.

Don’t forget about Yahoo, Bing, etc. Hit them all. That is the quickest way to see what she will see. And don’t just look at the first few pages. That drunken pic of you in the lime green mankini with the llama can show up in later pages. If you get in contact with the original site providers, you may be able to get the silly stuff removed.

If you want to get really serious, you can look at some of the information brokers that deal in finding people and providing juicy details about their lives like background checks and more. Check out Intelius, Spokeo, Wiki, etc. It will cost a bit, but it may be well worth it to clear up some negative junk out there.

2. Check on Youtube and Vimeo.

You never know who might have filmed you spouting random dumbassery at a kegger. I personally have had some success with getting some videos removed from some of my less than flattering misadventures. But not to worry, there’s still plenty of entertaining escapades for your consideration to enjoy.

So get out there on the web and check out what is being said, tweeted, posted, tubed, instagrammed, pinterated, vimeoed, tumblered, wikied, blogged, wordpressed, and every other blabby, gossipy, and otherwise completely detrimental misrepresentation of the awesomeness that is you. You may not like what you see. And neither will she.

Just like it can take only one bad review to destroy a business, one bad mention of you can wreck your chances of a possible romance. Luckily, forewarned is forearmed. Once you get the lowdown, you can do some housecleaning and sculpt your online profile in the best light possible. And maybe, just maybe, you can remove that one review of you that will turn her away.

Happy Hunting.

 

Back to Sexy Basics

In the Foodie world, there is a huge movement to get “back to the basics” of food. Also known as the “Slow Food” or “Farm to Table” movements. The funny thing about these movements is that they are actually just getting back to the very roots of food. This is how we used to eat long ago before processed foods and mass production. We used to eat what was in season, we knew the local farmers, and we prepared the dishes simply over fire. We, as a food world, are getting back to that. Though in some places it has never changed.

I was reminded of that on my recent Honeymoon trip to Italy. The food was all local, simply prepared, and perfect! Everything was so fresh that it just popped. The wine was locally produced so it played perfectly with everything we had. My own preparations were paired down, simplified, and the taste was magnified. I noticed the same thing in France, on a previous Euro trip. They prepare most everything simply but full of flavor. They do have a penchant for sexy sauces, and for that we must thank them eternally. These two Foodie powerhouses, have more than just simple ingredients and huge flavors…

These are the two sexiest countries on the planet!

In these countries food IS sexy! And what makes it sexy? The simplicity and boldness of allowing the inner flavor to shine. This point of view mirrors the dating world. Take heed and develop the right ingredients in your dating pantry and you will be prepared to do some serious cooking in and out of the kitchen.

If you are like me, you see big outrageous dating pitches thrown at you daily with lines like, “Say these three words and she’ll be in your bed!,” “Make any woman yours in seconds!,””Become irresistible to ALL women!”… etc., etc., and so on.

Then you go out and try them. And what happens? Nuttin! Well, you may have a little success and you may even learn a few things. Maybe even a few sexy, naughty, and dirty things if you are lucky. But overall you will more than likely end up being let down and depressed.

These gurus and teachers seem to have all the answers. They have given you the lowdown on how they attract women. You have even seen them on video picking up women at random in a way that can only be seen as magical. After all, you tried the same things and got shot down over and over. What the hell?!? And why is that?

No technique, approach, or method will work without the basic ingredient of CONFIDENCE!

Let me take a moment to say that I am NOT dissing any of the gurus and teachers out there touting these mythical “cure alls” for your dating problems. On the contrary, I learned a ton from them. And you should too. There is much to learn from multiple teachers. Some of these “outrageous” claims do work… Sometimes… Done incorrectly, some of these techniques can backfire tragically. But if you get back to the simple basic ingredient of confidence, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your dating world.

No matter what someone tries to teach you about dating, including myself, nothing will work well without the underlying confidence to pull it off. If you start with crappy ingredients, your recipe will not work! If you are sad, mopey, angry, hurt, distressed, bitter, or just plain no fun to be around, how do you expect to spark attraction in any woman?

In any recipe, the better the ingredients, the better the final dish. The finest chefs in the finest kitchens of the world teach budding young chefs to utilize the best ingredients, then treat them simply to only enhance the natural flavors and serve. That’s it.

florentine-steak-basics

A prime example, is the best steak I ever tasted! If you are unfamiliar with a fine Tuscan style steak, I suggest you get yourself to Florence asap! It was at Donnini’s where I finally had my first Tuscan steak. It was about 2 inches thick, Porterhouse cut, perfectly rare and ungodly delicious. In fact, my wife said I looked at that steak like I looked at her on our wedding night.

Now, I am from Texas, I have traveled the world, and tasted steak in all forms. I know a good steak when I have one. This was a transcendent experience for me. Why am I pointing this out? Because a Tuscan steak has 3 ingredients – steak, salt, and pepper. That’s it. It starts with one amazing ingredient Italian Tuscan beef.

No fluff, no crazy spices, no crazy techniques, just the best beef you can get. Prepared simply, served simply.

Let the ingredients speak for themselves.

You have to do the same thing with you. Am I comparing you to meat? Yes, yes I am. Instead of searching for outlandish techniques to spice yourself up, focus on the main ingredient that you bring to EVERY method you attempt – YOU! Make you the best ingredient there is. Don’t try to get all flashy and serve yourself up adorned with the latest fad accoutrements. Just let your main ingredient shine.

Treat yourself as the special one of a kind ingredient that you are.

Feel confident knowing that you are enough, you are intriguing, you are deserving of being served au naturel. Once you are proud of your basic ingredients, you will have confidence in moving forward in your dating adventures. Because no matter what you add to your own mix, at the very core, you are indeed one tasty dish!

Keep Spicin It Up!

Valuing Your Own Time

I have said it over and over. The way to attract women is by having confidence. But how do you gain confidence if you simply do not have it yet?

Start by valuing your own time.

Here’s how it goes.

  1. Confidence comes from having good self esteem.
  2. Self esteem comes from valuing yourself due to your positive actions and outcomes.
  3. Your decisions lead you to these good outcomes and actions.
  4. Your values set the basis for your decisions.
  5. Your moral compass guides your values that lead to your decision making.
  6. Your deep inner soul tells you what your morals are in order to form all your outer workings.

There. Easy right?

Start with a good soul and your all set. What? You don’t have a good soul? You are a soulless bastard with no intrinsic value to humankind?!? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I know you have a decent soul. Otherwise you would not be on the path of self improvement and enlightenment.

If you are a soulless bastard with narcissistic sociopathic tendencies only looking for a quick way to manipulate women in to doing your bidding, stop reading now. My stuff is not for you. You know who you are…

For the rest of ya, I am going to unlock a quick bit of info to help you get to the top of this confidence breakdown.

Start by valuing your own time!

Most guys tend to lose confidence (and respect in their women’s eyes) when they stop valuing themselves, whether they know it or not. It can happen at any time in a relationship, and it can keep you from ever getting in to one.

If you are single and hunting for a great woman, you may be coming at it from a “needy” place. I know I did for a time. It was not attractive and ruined many a chance at some seriously saucy fun.

Check yourself on this. See if you are doing any of these in your relationship (wither committed or casual):

  • Allowing her to make all the decisions, i.e. following
  • Changing your schedule to fit hers.
  • Spending your days thinking about and doing little things for her with no reciprocity.
  • Being at her beck and call.
  • Changing your behavior to fit in to her desired patterns.

If you find yourself doing things like this, you may be Wussifried!

You may be saying to yourself, “But self, you do these things because you loooooove her.” That may be true. And in certain cases and situations, these may be very honorable things to do. But only at the right times and in the right situations!

If you do these things over and over, you may be sabotaging yourself.

By doing any and/or all of these things, you are not coming across as a strong MAN. You are giving away your power and losing her respect quickly. This is happening because you are not valuing yourself or your time. And your time is one of your most valuable assets. It is also something that you are in total control of.

By valuing your time, you are in control of yourself and the situations that surround you. You have the power of saying “no.” "No" to not leading. "No" to being a malleable little toady. "No" to being Wussifried.

Taking control of your schedule shows that you value yourself. A MAN who values himself demonstrates confidence. If you are having self esteem issues, learning to spend time alone can help you increase your confidence and learn to truly value yourself. Women will value what you value. Value YOU.

value-your-time

When I was at my lowest and trying to turn my life around. It was very difficult to spend time alone. I HATED it. I would have the radio going all day long just to fend off the smothering quiet of loneliness. It sucked. And I was not in a state of true confidence. Eventually, as I regained my self esteem, I decided to spend some quality time with myself. It came in the form of a road trip. I spent days alone driving up the PCH heading up to Washington and back.

The key take away from the trip was that I learned to be alone, but not lonely.

I found that I was worthy of true value and that my time mattered. I was okay with who I was and that meant others would have to be too. I took control.

From that day on, I paid more attention to who I was being when it came to women. Was I valuing my time? But more importantly, were THEY valuing my time. If they were not, they did not respect me and the relationship was going nowhere.

I did not have time for that BS.

So MAN up, say “No” when needed and do not allow your time to be devalued by anyone. Spend some quality time alone in your own company, not because you have to but because you want to. You are worth it.

You only have so much time on this Earth. Use it wisely, my MAN.

Keep Spicin' It Up!

Drinking and Dating: Walking the Tightrope

kimberly-spencer-spike-spencer-champagne

No, this is not an evangelistic tirade against all things alcoholic. And not me giving you a scolding for over doing it from time to time. I’m the last guy on Earth to do that. I love a good cocktail, from time to time. But this article is about TIMING. If you are going to have a drink or two, make sure it is working to your advantage, especially in your dating life.

I’m writing this article the day after St. Patrick’s Day. I cannot think of a better time to broach this particular topic. Many of you are reading this right now through blurry bloodshot eyes, lying half catatonic, awash in green beads, half drunken green beer mugs, and slept-in fake orange facial hair leaving you now resembling a Picasso-esque portrait of the world’s most deranged Leprechaun.

Hey, I’m not judging! On some days, I will be the first to don the ceremonial drinking hat and throw down with the best of them.

I love me a good old fashioned craic! (pronounced “crack” it’s Gaelic for “party”)

If you have followed me for some time, you know that I am quite a Foodie and I loves me some red wine. I have toured wineries around the globe and quite certain I have over imbibed more than my fair share. What can I say, I love life and I like to party! We spent a month over in Italy for our Honeymoon last year and were drinking scads of wine every single day. It is not uncommon in Europe to have a couple glasses of wine with lunch and more with dinner.

This is the point where I say, responsibly, that if you are an adult, and you decide to indulge, responsibly, in the beverages du alcohol (that might be French), that you do so responsibly.

But even when you think you drink responsibly, you might still be screwing up your chances with the women you desire.

Case in point. In full disclosure, after my divorce and losing everything, I fell into a very deep pit of loneliness, despair, and not a small bit of drinking. I have done incredibly stupid things under the influence, of which I'm definitely not proud. I screwed up several sexy encounters with amazing women that, had I been sober-er, would have been worthy of letters to Penthouse magazine. But the drink took its toll.

As I like to say, I let my full Irish out.

Hey, I’m a mutt, I have German, English, Scottish, Irish, Cherokee and Blackfoot Indian in my blood. You tell me which of those are teetotalers!

That, of course, is no excuse for overdoing it, drinking to excess, or falling in to full blown alcoholism. If you feel you are having serious problems with your drinking, you most definitely need to seek help. Your friends are the best arbiters of info. Most people let your boorish behavior slide until it gets really bad, but if you are serious about your dating success, you need to keep that in check. And your friends will tell you, but you have to be grown up enough to ask.

Having a couple of drinks on a date can be a really good thing. It lets inhibitions slide a bit, relaxes you both, and enhances the meal (when chosen correctly). A nice glass of wine after dinner, while chatting on the couch, can be the pathway to a very saucy evening indeed. But one glass too many, can kill the evening completely.

Here are a couple of tips on keeping your mojo working while enjoying a nice adult beverage or two.

1. Stick with a predetermined amount for your date.

I like to stick with one bottle of red wine for my dinners. I can easily down a full bottle in one sitting, but that can get iffy depending on the brand. I can become irritable, annoying, or worse. But a bottle is only about 2.5 glasses a person, and over the course of the night with a full meal, that is seldom an issue. Whatever your drink of choice, know your limits and stick to them. The consequences of overindulgence are never good and can kill an otherwise perfect evening.

2. If you are out and about with friends, have a drinking “safety word.”

Like I said, your friends will tell you when you have had enough. If you have been dating someone for awhile, they can be your sober buddy if need be. You just have to agree beforehand and be open and honest enough with each other to hold each other accountable. For example, if you start to get rowdy, they might say to you, “Purple Butter Fluffer Nutter.” Which is hard to stick in normal conversation. (Bonus points for anyone who knows this reference).

Safety words can be tricky if you drink too much, as you suddenly decide you are all knowing and invincible, and anyone who tells you otherwise is killing your buzz or calling you out. This is when you have turned into a drunken ass. Avoid this by being responsible and nipping it in the bud before it is a problem.

3. Avoid email, texting, and all social media at all costs! Especially if you are home alone.

I love a nice evening alone, just enjoying a fine Cabernet, a succulent steak, and a great movie – Sci Fi usually. On nights like these, I know I am not driving, so I am free to indulge a bit. As long as I don’t run pantsless down the street shrieking profanities, a la Mel Gibson, I am hurting no one, except my own liver. However, these days, being alone does not necessarily mean you are alone. And this moment is quite possibly the most dangerous time for you.

If you decide, after a few too many drinks, to reach out and share your desires, pet peeves, or adamant righteous anger at idiots who wear knitted baggy skull caps on sunny 80 degree days, you will never be able to take it back. It is now out in the ether for all to see. Forever. And if you attempt any communication with a potential love interest at this time, you may very well destroy any chance of future success. I know this from first hand experience.

If you are enjoying a night just for you, then do that. Turn off your phone, computers, and any outside communication. Just drink your wine, eat your steak, and watch your movie. ALONE! You will be very happy the next morning when you don’t have to remember what the hell you said, to your love interest or the entire universe, the night before.

Again, if you are having a real problem and need help with your drinking, go get it. If you are like me, and had a down time in your life and went a bit haywire, friends can keep you in check and bring you back to life. But you have to be open and honest with yourself. Enjoy your drinks as you like. Just be strategic and make sure that what you are drinking is an enhancement to your meals, not a detrimental crutch you need to get through the night.

Keep Spicin It Up,

Porn, #FoodGame Style

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Some guys sit in front of a tiny computer screen and look at naked women doing naughty things and get all hot and bothered. I don’t care too much for that type of porn. Not that there is anything wrong with it. As long as everybody is a consenting adult, knock yourself out. But, for me, it’s all about Food Network, the Cooking Channel, and the Travel Channel.

Oh, to see bubbling gumbo writhing and churning, barely able to contain itself until it is bursting over the top and slowly dripping down the sides of the pot!

Cutting into a perfectly grilled thick cut Porterhouse steak, seeing that beautiful hot pink meat, juices seeping out all over the plate, streaking down my chin as I take a greedy sinful bite is simply orgasmic.

Right now, I’m watching a chef slowly drizzle sweet hot cherry gastrique over a sizzling breast… of duck. (Insert Homer Simpson drool noises here.)

Oh yeah. That is my kind of porn. Food porn. Porn, #FoodGame style.

For me, it’s all about the food.

That’s why I focus so much on it in my dating and relationship work. Food is sexy! Food can be a great gateway to actual sexy shenanigans in your own life. But you can’t just throw crap together from a box and expect to impress your lovelies.

When you take the time to actually prepare something tasty, you add a certain level of love that shows and impresses. It also gives you something to talk about. Instead of dreary chit chat about instant potato flakes or Uncle Ben’s whatever, you can wax rhapsodic about the sexy simmering sauces of sultry Colombia, spicy N’Awlins, or savory succulent Paris.

It doesn’t take a lot to really spice up your love life with great tasting food. Easy is the key. Great ingredients, simply prepared, will do most of the work for you. The more complicated you make cooking for your date, the harder it will be for you to impress.

Working too hard can work against you. If you are busy for hours and have too many things going on, by the time your date gets there, you will be pooped. Keep it simple.

And what if, after all that work, she doesn’t rave about your food? You will be really let down. Not a good place to start a date.

So what kinds of dishes will keep you happy and casual while cueing the “Bow chicka wow wow” music? Here’s a few to work with.

1. One pot meals.

Things like chili, cassoulet, soups, braised meats, and oven baked goodies of all kinds, are perfect for making the place smell amazing and keeping you cool and casual at the same time.

2. No cook meals.

Throw together a charcuterie plate of mixed meats like salami, capicola, and prosciutto and some tasty cheeses to pair with a really nice glass of wine.

3. Slow cooker.

You can’t get less stressed than throwing a bunch of great ingredients in a pot and walking away. And that slow simmer all day squeezes out every ounce of flavor you can get from an ingredient.

Take the time to get good ingredients, prepare them simply, and relax. You will find that things will go much more smoothly on your dates. Your place will smell amazing, her taste buds will be tickled, and if you play your cards right, that won’t be the only thing getting tickled.

Bon “chicka wow wow” apetit!