Relationship Tips

How to Use Facebook to Be a Better Man

In case you have been living under a rock, there is this thing called the Internet nowadays. It is an amazing tool for the education and advancement of the human race. It can enhance our lives in ways we cannot even begin to imagine yet.

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The good news is we have unlimited access to all the accumulated knowledge on the planet.

The bad news is we all think we already know it all and don’t take the time to actually look any of that knowledge up, unless of course it jibes with our preconceived notions of how we feel the world should be, compartmentalized within our tiny selfish parameters.

Sadly all this knowledge has sputtered in a sloppy start. Beginning with “social” platforms originally invented to bring us closer together, allow instant communication, share ideas, and expand our minds with unlimited knowledge, that have sunk to the very bottom of social interaction.

Rumor is reported as fact, believed by the unaware or purposefully duped.

Narcissistic bragging is masquerading as humility and graciousness, aka the “humble brag.” It’s unrelenting envy on parade, a 24/7 portal to everyone else’s lives that are almost always seeming better than yours.

Unless, of course, they take the opposite tack, the cryptic “woe is me” post of seeming positive affirmations couched in a pathetic personal passive aggressive cry for help.

We all see it, we all know it, we are all tired of it. Stop it.

Then there are the unwavering hordes of whiny “victimbitches” simply waiting to be offended by any and every little thing. Tirelessly mining the interwebs til they can find a post, tweet, or blog article that has the subtlest whiff of disagreement to their self-centered myopic tiny minded view of life so they can rage against what they deem to be a personal affront to their integrity, opinions, and/or fundamental belief systems.

All of us have fallen into this category at least once.

We would never admit it of course. Except for just now. Um, I think I just did…

What most people seem to forget is that the internet is worldwide and that unless a personal message is sent directly to them, the chances of any single post being evenly remotely about them is about 4 Billion to 1. So the level of narcissism it takes to believe that any interaction online effects them is truly mind boggling.

Yet we see it every day on an endless loop. You post something you think is funny or interesting and your “friends” take umbrage, pick it apart, or admonish you for having a differing world view then their oh so righteous perspective. Suddenly you have an argument over trivial shit that morphs into something deeper, not remotely associated with the original flippant post you thought was quirky, cute, or funny and now you have un-elicited tension from an aggressive “victimbitch” who simply can’t abide other thoughts outside their narrow worldview.

And since you are a threat to their fragile Glass Menagerie, you are therefore a monster.

They now feel free to deem you any manner of terrible beasty, usually starting with typical easy to reach epithets of racist, bigot, homophobe, misogynist, etc, spiraling rapidly down to the unavoidable comparisons to Hitler.

No, I’m not simply talking about political debates here, I’ve seen the same pathway emanate from random cat videos.

It simply does not matter what you post. Someone out there is going to be offended.

It doesn’t matter how smart, respectable, or civilized they may be. Most people these days seem to have the thinnest skin imaginable. It is infuriating. And you can MAN up and use it to your advantage!

We are a world full of billions of people. Each person has a different view point. Some are well informed, some are not. Some agree with our views, some do not. The vast majority of the world may not agree with you on any given point.

Here is how to look at it: SO F**KING WHAT!

The world does not revolve around you. It never has, never will. People will disagree with you and that is awesome. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Sadly, in the era of giving kids trophies for breathing, we have raised a generation of self-absorbed, self-obsessed, selfie snappers. They are unaccustomed to differing viewpoints and can’t quite handle it.

Don’t be like them. Practice RESTRAINT.

Do NOT get drawn into unending arguments on social media that are doomed to defeat or at the very least both sides being upset and offended.

Read other people’s points of view with an eye toward non response. Stay above the fray. Don’t engage. You may think these people are absolute nutty biscuits on the verge of a mental breakdown. That is their problem, not yours.

Think of it as practicing ACTIVE LISTENING without interruption.

We as a social species connect and communicate openly and freely. Unless you are in a communist country of course (cue the victimbitches). As a social species we can’t wait to use our face holes to deliver our personal views to the world. But the more you speak, the less you listen. This includes digital communication. LISTENING is one of my pillars of confidence. If you can show a woman that you are actively listening to her, she will respect you more.

Practicing non-engagement on social media can help you you restrain from opening your mouth when you shouldn’t.

You may not agree with others points of view. You may not respect those views. You may even think they are absolutely out of their minds. But that does not mean you should give them a piece of yours. Have you ever heard the saying “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt?” Some ascribe the saying to Abe Lincoln or possibly Mark Twain. Regardless, it is a very wise proverb.

Practice restraint, hold your tongue (or your fingertips), read and/or listen to what others say and keep your trap shut. You will be amazed at what you can learn. Let the victimbitches fight it out. It’s a useless whiny waste of energy that is decidedly not attractive to women. And if you find yourself slipping into victimbitchitude, being offended by a random tweet, blog, or post just remember, the chances are 1 in 4 BILLION that it pertains to you at all. Don’t be a narcissistic snowflake. MAN up and MOVE on.

You've got a lot more important things to do.

Valuing Your Own Time

I have said it over and over. The way to attract women is by having confidence. But how do you gain confidence if you simply do not have it yet?

Start by valuing your own time.

Here’s how it goes.

  1. Confidence comes from having good self esteem.
  2. Self esteem comes from valuing yourself due to your positive actions and outcomes.
  3. Your decisions lead you to these good outcomes and actions.
  4. Your values set the basis for your decisions.
  5. Your moral compass guides your values that lead to your decision making.
  6. Your deep inner soul tells you what your morals are in order to form all your outer workings.

There. Easy right?

Start with a good soul and your all set. What? You don’t have a good soul? You are a soulless bastard with no intrinsic value to humankind?!? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I know you have a decent soul. Otherwise you would not be on the path of self improvement and enlightenment.

If you are a soulless bastard with narcissistic sociopathic tendencies only looking for a quick way to manipulate women in to doing your bidding, stop reading now. My stuff is not for you. You know who you are…

For the rest of ya, I am going to unlock a quick bit of info to help you get to the top of this confidence breakdown.

Start by valuing your own time!

Most guys tend to lose confidence (and respect in their women’s eyes) when they stop valuing themselves, whether they know it or not. It can happen at any time in a relationship, and it can keep you from ever getting in to one.

If you are single and hunting for a great woman, you may be coming at it from a “needy” place. I know I did for a time. It was not attractive and ruined many a chance at some seriously saucy fun.

Check yourself on this. See if you are doing any of these in your relationship (wither committed or casual):

  • Allowing her to make all the decisions, i.e. following
  • Changing your schedule to fit hers.
  • Spending your days thinking about and doing little things for her with no reciprocity.
  • Being at her beck and call.
  • Changing your behavior to fit in to her desired patterns.

If you find yourself doing things like this, you may be Wussifried!

You may be saying to yourself, “But self, you do these things because you loooooove her.” That may be true. And in certain cases and situations, these may be very honorable things to do. But only at the right times and in the right situations!

If you do these things over and over, you may be sabotaging yourself.

By doing any and/or all of these things, you are not coming across as a strong MAN. You are giving away your power and losing her respect quickly. This is happening because you are not valuing yourself or your time. And your time is one of your most valuable assets. It is also something that you are in total control of.

By valuing your time, you are in control of yourself and the situations that surround you. You have the power of saying “no.” "No" to not leading. "No" to being a malleable little toady. "No" to being Wussifried.

Taking control of your schedule shows that you value yourself. A MAN who values himself demonstrates confidence. If you are having self esteem issues, learning to spend time alone can help you increase your confidence and learn to truly value yourself. Women will value what you value. Value YOU.

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When I was at my lowest and trying to turn my life around. It was very difficult to spend time alone. I HATED it. I would have the radio going all day long just to fend off the smothering quiet of loneliness. It sucked. And I was not in a state of true confidence. Eventually, as I regained my self esteem, I decided to spend some quality time with myself. It came in the form of a road trip. I spent days alone driving up the PCH heading up to Washington and back.

The key take away from the trip was that I learned to be alone, but not lonely.

I found that I was worthy of true value and that my time mattered. I was okay with who I was and that meant others would have to be too. I took control.

From that day on, I paid more attention to who I was being when it came to women. Was I valuing my time? But more importantly, were THEY valuing my time. If they were not, they did not respect me and the relationship was going nowhere.

I did not have time for that BS.

So MAN up, say “No” when needed and do not allow your time to be devalued by anyone. Spend some quality time alone in your own company, not because you have to but because you want to. You are worth it.

You only have so much time on this Earth. Use it wisely, my MAN.

Keep Spicin' It Up!

Drinking and Dating: Walking the Tightrope

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No, this is not an evangelistic tirade against all things alcoholic. And not me giving you a scolding for over doing it from time to time. I’m the last guy on Earth to do that. I love a good cocktail, from time to time. But this article is about TIMING. If you are going to have a drink or two, make sure it is working to your advantage, especially in your dating life.

I’m writing this article the day after St. Patrick’s Day. I cannot think of a better time to broach this particular topic. Many of you are reading this right now through blurry bloodshot eyes, lying half catatonic, awash in green beads, half drunken green beer mugs, and slept-in fake orange facial hair leaving you now resembling a Picasso-esque portrait of the world’s most deranged Leprechaun.

Hey, I’m not judging! On some days, I will be the first to don the ceremonial drinking hat and throw down with the best of them.

I love me a good old fashioned craic! (pronounced “crack” it’s Gaelic for “party”)

If you have followed me for some time, you know that I am quite a Foodie and I loves me some red wine. I have toured wineries around the globe and quite certain I have over imbibed more than my fair share. What can I say, I love life and I like to party! We spent a month over in Italy for our Honeymoon last year and were drinking scads of wine every single day. It is not uncommon in Europe to have a couple glasses of wine with lunch and more with dinner.

This is the point where I say, responsibly, that if you are an adult, and you decide to indulge, responsibly, in the beverages du alcohol (that might be French), that you do so responsibly.

But even when you think you drink responsibly, you might still be screwing up your chances with the women you desire.

Case in point. In full disclosure, after my divorce and losing everything, I fell into a very deep pit of loneliness, despair, and not a small bit of drinking. I have done incredibly stupid things under the influence, of which I'm definitely not proud. I screwed up several sexy encounters with amazing women that, had I been sober-er, would have been worthy of letters to Penthouse magazine. But the drink took its toll.

As I like to say, I let my full Irish out.

Hey, I’m a mutt, I have German, English, Scottish, Irish, Cherokee and Blackfoot Indian in my blood. You tell me which of those are teetotalers!

That, of course, is no excuse for overdoing it, drinking to excess, or falling in to full blown alcoholism. If you feel you are having serious problems with your drinking, you most definitely need to seek help. Your friends are the best arbiters of info. Most people let your boorish behavior slide until it gets really bad, but if you are serious about your dating success, you need to keep that in check. And your friends will tell you, but you have to be grown up enough to ask.

Having a couple of drinks on a date can be a really good thing. It lets inhibitions slide a bit, relaxes you both, and enhances the meal (when chosen correctly). A nice glass of wine after dinner, while chatting on the couch, can be the pathway to a very saucy evening indeed. But one glass too many, can kill the evening completely.

Here are a couple of tips on keeping your mojo working while enjoying a nice adult beverage or two.

1. Stick with a predetermined amount for your date.

I like to stick with one bottle of red wine for my dinners. I can easily down a full bottle in one sitting, but that can get iffy depending on the brand. I can become irritable, annoying, or worse. But a bottle is only about 2.5 glasses a person, and over the course of the night with a full meal, that is seldom an issue. Whatever your drink of choice, know your limits and stick to them. The consequences of overindulgence are never good and can kill an otherwise perfect evening.

2. If you are out and about with friends, have a drinking “safety word.”

Like I said, your friends will tell you when you have had enough. If you have been dating someone for awhile, they can be your sober buddy if need be. You just have to agree beforehand and be open and honest enough with each other to hold each other accountable. For example, if you start to get rowdy, they might say to you, “Purple Butter Fluffer Nutter.” Which is hard to stick in normal conversation. (Bonus points for anyone who knows this reference).

Safety words can be tricky if you drink too much, as you suddenly decide you are all knowing and invincible, and anyone who tells you otherwise is killing your buzz or calling you out. This is when you have turned into a drunken ass. Avoid this by being responsible and nipping it in the bud before it is a problem.

3. Avoid email, texting, and all social media at all costs! Especially if you are home alone.

I love a nice evening alone, just enjoying a fine Cabernet, a succulent steak, and a great movie – Sci Fi usually. On nights like these, I know I am not driving, so I am free to indulge a bit. As long as I don’t run pantsless down the street shrieking profanities, a la Mel Gibson, I am hurting no one, except my own liver. However, these days, being alone does not necessarily mean you are alone. And this moment is quite possibly the most dangerous time for you.

If you decide, after a few too many drinks, to reach out and share your desires, pet peeves, or adamant righteous anger at idiots who wear knitted baggy skull caps on sunny 80 degree days, you will never be able to take it back. It is now out in the ether for all to see. Forever. And if you attempt any communication with a potential love interest at this time, you may very well destroy any chance of future success. I know this from first hand experience.

If you are enjoying a night just for you, then do that. Turn off your phone, computers, and any outside communication. Just drink your wine, eat your steak, and watch your movie. ALONE! You will be very happy the next morning when you don’t have to remember what the hell you said, to your love interest or the entire universe, the night before.

Again, if you are having a real problem and need help with your drinking, go get it. If you are like me, and had a down time in your life and went a bit haywire, friends can keep you in check and bring you back to life. But you have to be open and honest with yourself. Enjoy your drinks as you like. Just be strategic and make sure that what you are drinking is an enhancement to your meals, not a detrimental crutch you need to get through the night.

Keep Spicin It Up,

Getting on Her Wavelength

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Communication is one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. There are so many levels and intricacies that can foul up even the most mundane of situations till it becomes a huge mess. A single, tiny misunderstanding can uproot even the strongest relationships.

What you say and do is important, but how you say and do things is equally important. Ah, the fickle finger of subtext, how it wags and indicts! For example, if you apologize, and don’t come across as genuinely sorry, you are cooked, my friend. If your demeanor does not match your words when you profess your feelings, you will come across as less than honest, shady even. And this is bad. You need to be clear in your words and deeds to know that you are being heard correctly, otherwise things get lost in translation.

The worst part is, you may never even know there is a miscommunication till it’s too late.

So how can you be sure, you are being received and understood? Well, you can’t. Sorry, that’s just the truth of it. Unless you can get inside someone else’s mind and know exactly how they are hearing, ingesting, interpreting, and understanding your messages, you will never know. You can only do your best and hope.

So here are some things that you can do to help turn the tide in your favor.

1. Pay Attention.

Listening is one of the most important and also most difficult things to do. Most people are never actively listening to anyone. We have so much going on in our heads; a never ending onslaught of information, feelings, sights, and sounds. It’s difficult to add to that the intricacies of someone else’s own onslaught and funnel all their craziness through our filters.

But filter, we must. Take the time to really HEAR what your lady is saying. Don’t spend the moments while she is telling you about her day, searching for an opening so you can interject. Just listen. Clear your mind and open up for her. It will enhance your life immensely when you do less talking, and more listening.

2. Write Stuff Down.

When she tells you things she likes and wants, make a mental note. When you have a free moment, write down what you heard. It is a great list to check back on. You will know the gifts she is hoping you will shower down on her, the little niceties that she wants from you - that peck on the cheek she misses just before you leave, you telling her you love her every day, etc. She will tell you everything you need to know, you just have to listen!

3. Share Her Interests.

Okay, so you are not going to crochet, no matter how hot she is. Fine. But if she is reading a book or watching a TV show, notice what it is. These are the things influencing her decisions and reactions in her daily life. If you know the framework that guides her, you will understand the reasoning behind what she does. You will also be able to have enjoyable conversations, as you will be informed on her level. Take the time, even if it is not interesting to you. This does not mean you must subordinate your life to hers in any way. It just means, take notice. There is power in knowledge and similar interests.

4. Observe.

When something happens of any note, say a violent action in the news, a sad song on the radio, or even running out of milk; you will see how she reacts. Look for patterns. When you know how she will react in a given situation, you will know how to react to her. But more importantly, when she reacts to something, measure your own reaction. When you see the difference, you will better understand where she is coming from.

Let’s say something stressful happens at work. She may wail, moan, be angry and cry a lot. You, in the same situation, my pull back into your self, say nothing, and contemplate your next move. Knowing this, you can discuss things with her from a place of enlightened understanding. Ask her what she is feeling. She will tell you, once she is done emoting. Realize that is her way of dealing with the stress, respect it and let her do what she needs. Then you can work together to deal with whatever comes.

Taking the time to listen, watch, and engage with her will improve your relationship on so many levels. Communication is hard, but without it, you stand the very real chance of losing your loved ones, family, and fortunes. It happens every day, and it can almost always be traced back to a small break down in communication, way back down the line, that was left in disrepair. That injury festers and grows like an invisible cancer that will erupt if not diagnosed and treated. Don’t let that happen to your life, my friend. It is not fun.

Go on, be strong!

What is Don't Kill Your Date?

If you didn’t know, DKYD is short for “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips).”

DKYD covers all kinds of stuff about the book, panels, TV show we are producing, the whole concept.

So for those of you who are new to us, well, there ya go…

***This is live, it is an 18+ panel, and Spike does use some some harsh language here and there, so be warned….***

And if you’re interested in watching the full panel from Spike Spencer’s “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)” Live from Adelaide, Australia, click here to check out our playlist.

Thanks for watching!

Confidence, Confidence, Confidence

How do you attract a woman?

Confidence. Ladies like a man with confidence. Ladies sense confidence. You don’t have to be an arrogant ass about it. But be solid in who you are. Know who you are, and exude it comfortably.

You don’t have to have a lot of money. You don’t have to be the best looking guy. But if you’re confident, and can make a killer chicken or pan de tomate, then you’ll be fine.

Go On, Be Strong.

Stuck in Friend Zone Hell?

Fellas, it is very hard, but it can be done. And it’s all up to you… You must take yourself out of the situation first. You cannot change it while you are in it. Master the art of the “Take Away,” get some distance, improve yourself; then you can come back to the situation as a different and stronger MAN.

Go on, be strong!

When in Doubt, Shut the F*** Up

A Quick Tip on How to Talk to Girls

We as men are in a constant state of fixing things. It's in our DNA. Whether we are repairing a sink, "fixing" her plumbing, or waxing prophetically on how others should live their lives; we just can't help it.

Yes you can! A strong MAN knows how to listen. But even more importantly knows how to NOT chime in where it is not needed. When I am asked questions on what to say to a woman, it is very simple. When in doubt, shut the f&$k up. Say nothing. It makes you seem far more mysterious and intriguing than you really are. And it's easier than actually saying something that might come across badly.

If you do have to say something, ask a leading question, like, "And how did that make you feel?" She will gladly tell you and you will learn a lot more than if you were flapping your gums, telling her how she should react, feel, or act in a particular situation.

Go On, Be Strong

One Easy Way to MAN up.

So many of the women I talk to, have the same issue. They are wondering, where all the MEN have gone. Every time I speak in front of a crowd, and give this simple way to be more of a MAN, all the women nod their heads in agreement. I even get a “Hallelujah!” from time to time.

So when you find yourself in a quandary about what to do with your lovely, do NOT ask her to guide you. You make a decision and allow her to give you input after. This way, you get to lead in a manly way and she will respect you for not being wishy-washy and deferring to her to make all the decisions.

She has enough on her mind without having to make yours up too. And don’t worry, if she does not agree with your decision, she will most definitely let you know.

Go On, Be Strong

Women's Hints and How to Take Them

We all want to be great with women. We want to never get turned down, never get blown out of the water, and never feel that gut wrenching pain of rejection. You have to realize of course that some women are taken. I know I know, we hear that “I have a boyfriend” line a lot, and that doesn’t mean it is true. But sometimes, it is. And when it is, don’t feel bad. Wish her all the best, tell her he is a lucky man, and move on.

Women’s hints will slide subtly into the conversation, and that will let you know she’s not available. When women throw in the “we,” into her conversation, you will know she’s taken. As in, “When we went to wine country…,” or “My boyfriend did…,” Or even “Go away, I’m married!” Okay, that last one, not so subtle. But you get the idea.

It’s the little signals that you have to pick up on, that let you know she’s not that interested. And that’s okay. You’re not her flavor of cookie. Go onto the next and remember, it’s just a numbers game.

Go on, be strong!