Self Improvement

How to Use Facebook to Be a Better Man

In case you have been living under a rock, there is this thing called the Internet nowadays. It is an amazing tool for the education and advancement of the human race. It can enhance our lives in ways we cannot even begin to imagine yet.

spike-spencer-kimberly-spencer-internet

The good news is we have unlimited access to all the accumulated knowledge on the planet.

The bad news is we all think we already know it all and don’t take the time to actually look any of that knowledge up, unless of course it jibes with our preconceived notions of how we feel the world should be, compartmentalized within our tiny selfish parameters.

Sadly all this knowledge has sputtered in a sloppy start. Beginning with “social” platforms originally invented to bring us closer together, allow instant communication, share ideas, and expand our minds with unlimited knowledge, that have sunk to the very bottom of social interaction.

Rumor is reported as fact, believed by the unaware or purposefully duped.

Narcissistic bragging is masquerading as humility and graciousness, aka the “humble brag.” It’s unrelenting envy on parade, a 24/7 portal to everyone else’s lives that are almost always seeming better than yours.

Unless, of course, they take the opposite tack, the cryptic “woe is me” post of seeming positive affirmations couched in a pathetic personal passive aggressive cry for help.

We all see it, we all know it, we are all tired of it. Stop it.

Then there are the unwavering hordes of whiny “victimbitches” simply waiting to be offended by any and every little thing. Tirelessly mining the interwebs til they can find a post, tweet, or blog article that has the subtlest whiff of disagreement to their self-centered myopic tiny minded view of life so they can rage against what they deem to be a personal affront to their integrity, opinions, and/or fundamental belief systems.

All of us have fallen into this category at least once.

We would never admit it of course. Except for just now. Um, I think I just did…

What most people seem to forget is that the internet is worldwide and that unless a personal message is sent directly to them, the chances of any single post being evenly remotely about them is about 4 Billion to 1. So the level of narcissism it takes to believe that any interaction online effects them is truly mind boggling.

Yet we see it every day on an endless loop. You post something you think is funny or interesting and your “friends” take umbrage, pick it apart, or admonish you for having a differing world view then their oh so righteous perspective. Suddenly you have an argument over trivial shit that morphs into something deeper, not remotely associated with the original flippant post you thought was quirky, cute, or funny and now you have un-elicited tension from an aggressive “victimbitch” who simply can’t abide other thoughts outside their narrow worldview.

And since you are a threat to their fragile Glass Menagerie, you are therefore a monster.

They now feel free to deem you any manner of terrible beasty, usually starting with typical easy to reach epithets of racist, bigot, homophobe, misogynist, etc, spiraling rapidly down to the unavoidable comparisons to Hitler.

No, I’m not simply talking about political debates here, I’ve seen the same pathway emanate from random cat videos.

It simply does not matter what you post. Someone out there is going to be offended.

It doesn’t matter how smart, respectable, or civilized they may be. Most people these days seem to have the thinnest skin imaginable. It is infuriating. And you can MAN up and use it to your advantage!

We are a world full of billions of people. Each person has a different view point. Some are well informed, some are not. Some agree with our views, some do not. The vast majority of the world may not agree with you on any given point.

Here is how to look at it: SO F**KING WHAT!

The world does not revolve around you. It never has, never will. People will disagree with you and that is awesome. Variety is the spice of life and all that. Sadly, in the era of giving kids trophies for breathing, we have raised a generation of self-absorbed, self-obsessed, selfie snappers. They are unaccustomed to differing viewpoints and can’t quite handle it.

Don’t be like them. Practice RESTRAINT.

Do NOT get drawn into unending arguments on social media that are doomed to defeat or at the very least both sides being upset and offended.

Read other people’s points of view with an eye toward non response. Stay above the fray. Don’t engage. You may think these people are absolute nutty biscuits on the verge of a mental breakdown. That is their problem, not yours.

Think of it as practicing ACTIVE LISTENING without interruption.

We as a social species connect and communicate openly and freely. Unless you are in a communist country of course (cue the victimbitches). As a social species we can’t wait to use our face holes to deliver our personal views to the world. But the more you speak, the less you listen. This includes digital communication. LISTENING is one of my pillars of confidence. If you can show a woman that you are actively listening to her, she will respect you more.

Practicing non-engagement on social media can help you you restrain from opening your mouth when you shouldn’t.

You may not agree with others points of view. You may not respect those views. You may even think they are absolutely out of their minds. But that does not mean you should give them a piece of yours. Have you ever heard the saying “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt?” Some ascribe the saying to Abe Lincoln or possibly Mark Twain. Regardless, it is a very wise proverb.

Practice restraint, hold your tongue (or your fingertips), read and/or listen to what others say and keep your trap shut. You will be amazed at what you can learn. Let the victimbitches fight it out. It’s a useless whiny waste of energy that is decidedly not attractive to women. And if you find yourself slipping into victimbitchitude, being offended by a random tweet, blog, or post just remember, the chances are 1 in 4 BILLION that it pertains to you at all. Don’t be a narcissistic snowflake. MAN up and MOVE on.

You've got a lot more important things to do.

Time to Get Your Dating Google On

Welcome to the internet age. Everything you could possibly want to know is right there at your finger tips. You wanna learn how to cook the perfect steak? Boom! There it is. You wanna know where in the hell Wagga Wagga Australia is? Pow! Easy as pie. You wanna know if the girl you are about to date is a freak of nature who just might bludgeon you to death in your sleep with her hard cover copy of Gone Girl? Kablammo! A few clicks and the knowledge that just might save your life could be right there for your stern perusal.

Isn’t this a great time to be alive?!? You are awash in absurd amounts of data. Every day, the web grows more and more intense and acquires more data. So, in one sense, it is a great tool to help you accomplish more than you ever thought possible. But on the other hand, it is also a sponge that never releases the juicy tidbits of information that it absorbs. That means that…

The internet holds on to every stupid, foolish, drunken, misinformed, and otherwise dumbass thing you have every posted, tweeted, or Youtubed!

kimberly-spencer-spike-spencer-online

Yes, the great thing about the internet is that everyone now has a voice and can be heard across the globe. The bad thing about the internet is that everyone now has a voice and can be heard across the globe andthey say whatever idiotic thing they want. Being in the spotlight, somewhat, I have seen firsthand what the internet can do to you. I do have quite a bit of info out there on me. Some really great, like, “Spike Spencer is a frickin rock star!” And some not so great like, “Spike Spencer should rot in a corner and die of dick cancer.” Mmmm, sweetness and love.

The point is anyone can say anything about anyone and it will be registered and broadcast for the world to see. And unless you actively search out what is being said about you, you may never know that some random jackball out there in the ether may be destroying your chances with women.

Think about it this way, have you ever done a search for, say, a restaurant? You looked up the Yelp ratings, maybe a chowhound review, etc. What you found will undoubtedly influence your decisions. We are so conditioned that if we see a star rating, we unconsciously judge whatever is being rated according to a random rating system. One star, bad, five stars, good.

So what rating are you getting when the woman you have attracted Googles you? And believe me she will. We all do it nowadays. If you are checking her out, you can bet she is certainly checking up on you.

You need to be sure that you are being represented in a good light in the online world.

So, how do you do that?

1. Google yourself...on all search sites.

Don’t forget about Yahoo, Bing, etc. Hit them all. That is the quickest way to see what she will see. And don’t just look at the first few pages. That drunken pic of you in the lime green mankini with the llama can show up in later pages. If you get in contact with the original site providers, you may be able to get the silly stuff removed.

If you want to get really serious, you can look at some of the information brokers that deal in finding people and providing juicy details about their lives like background checks and more. Check out Intelius, Spokeo, Wiki, etc. It will cost a bit, but it may be well worth it to clear up some negative junk out there.

2. Check on Youtube and Vimeo.

You never know who might have filmed you spouting random dumbassery at a kegger. I personally have had some success with getting some videos removed from some of my less than flattering misadventures. But not to worry, there’s still plenty of entertaining escapades for your consideration to enjoy.

So get out there on the web and check out what is being said, tweeted, posted, tubed, instagrammed, pinterated, vimeoed, tumblered, wikied, blogged, wordpressed, and every other blabby, gossipy, and otherwise completely detrimental misrepresentation of the awesomeness that is you. You may not like what you see. And neither will she.

Just like it can take only one bad review to destroy a business, one bad mention of you can wreck your chances of a possible romance. Luckily, forewarned is forearmed. Once you get the lowdown, you can do some housecleaning and sculpt your online profile in the best light possible. And maybe, just maybe, you can remove that one review of you that will turn her away.

Happy Hunting.

 

Back to Sexy Basics

In the Foodie world, there is a huge movement to get “back to the basics” of food. Also known as the “Slow Food” or “Farm to Table” movements. The funny thing about these movements is that they are actually just getting back to the very roots of food. This is how we used to eat long ago before processed foods and mass production. We used to eat what was in season, we knew the local farmers, and we prepared the dishes simply over fire. We, as a food world, are getting back to that. Though in some places it has never changed.

I was reminded of that on my recent Honeymoon trip to Italy. The food was all local, simply prepared, and perfect! Everything was so fresh that it just popped. The wine was locally produced so it played perfectly with everything we had. My own preparations were paired down, simplified, and the taste was magnified. I noticed the same thing in France, on a previous Euro trip. They prepare most everything simply but full of flavor. They do have a penchant for sexy sauces, and for that we must thank them eternally. These two Foodie powerhouses, have more than just simple ingredients and huge flavors…

These are the two sexiest countries on the planet!

In these countries food IS sexy! And what makes it sexy? The simplicity and boldness of allowing the inner flavor to shine. This point of view mirrors the dating world. Take heed and develop the right ingredients in your dating pantry and you will be prepared to do some serious cooking in and out of the kitchen.

If you are like me, you see big outrageous dating pitches thrown at you daily with lines like, “Say these three words and she’ll be in your bed!,” “Make any woman yours in seconds!,””Become irresistible to ALL women!”… etc., etc., and so on.

Then you go out and try them. And what happens? Nuttin! Well, you may have a little success and you may even learn a few things. Maybe even a few sexy, naughty, and dirty things if you are lucky. But overall you will more than likely end up being let down and depressed.

These gurus and teachers seem to have all the answers. They have given you the lowdown on how they attract women. You have even seen them on video picking up women at random in a way that can only be seen as magical. After all, you tried the same things and got shot down over and over. What the hell?!? And why is that?

No technique, approach, or method will work without the basic ingredient of CONFIDENCE!

Let me take a moment to say that I am NOT dissing any of the gurus and teachers out there touting these mythical “cure alls” for your dating problems. On the contrary, I learned a ton from them. And you should too. There is much to learn from multiple teachers. Some of these “outrageous” claims do work… Sometimes… Done incorrectly, some of these techniques can backfire tragically. But if you get back to the simple basic ingredient of confidence, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your dating world.

No matter what someone tries to teach you about dating, including myself, nothing will work well without the underlying confidence to pull it off. If you start with crappy ingredients, your recipe will not work! If you are sad, mopey, angry, hurt, distressed, bitter, or just plain no fun to be around, how do you expect to spark attraction in any woman?

In any recipe, the better the ingredients, the better the final dish. The finest chefs in the finest kitchens of the world teach budding young chefs to utilize the best ingredients, then treat them simply to only enhance the natural flavors and serve. That’s it.

florentine-steak-basics

A prime example, is the best steak I ever tasted! If you are unfamiliar with a fine Tuscan style steak, I suggest you get yourself to Florence asap! It was at Donnini’s where I finally had my first Tuscan steak. It was about 2 inches thick, Porterhouse cut, perfectly rare and ungodly delicious. In fact, my wife said I looked at that steak like I looked at her on our wedding night.

Now, I am from Texas, I have traveled the world, and tasted steak in all forms. I know a good steak when I have one. This was a transcendent experience for me. Why am I pointing this out? Because a Tuscan steak has 3 ingredients – steak, salt, and pepper. That’s it. It starts with one amazing ingredient Italian Tuscan beef.

No fluff, no crazy spices, no crazy techniques, just the best beef you can get. Prepared simply, served simply.

Let the ingredients speak for themselves.

You have to do the same thing with you. Am I comparing you to meat? Yes, yes I am. Instead of searching for outlandish techniques to spice yourself up, focus on the main ingredient that you bring to EVERY method you attempt – YOU! Make you the best ingredient there is. Don’t try to get all flashy and serve yourself up adorned with the latest fad accoutrements. Just let your main ingredient shine.

Treat yourself as the special one of a kind ingredient that you are.

Feel confident knowing that you are enough, you are intriguing, you are deserving of being served au naturel. Once you are proud of your basic ingredients, you will have confidence in moving forward in your dating adventures. Because no matter what you add to your own mix, at the very core, you are indeed one tasty dish!

Keep Spicin It Up!

Valuing Your Own Time

I have said it over and over. The way to attract women is by having confidence. But how do you gain confidence if you simply do not have it yet?

Start by valuing your own time.

Here’s how it goes.

  1. Confidence comes from having good self esteem.
  2. Self esteem comes from valuing yourself due to your positive actions and outcomes.
  3. Your decisions lead you to these good outcomes and actions.
  4. Your values set the basis for your decisions.
  5. Your moral compass guides your values that lead to your decision making.
  6. Your deep inner soul tells you what your morals are in order to form all your outer workings.

There. Easy right?

Start with a good soul and your all set. What? You don’t have a good soul? You are a soulless bastard with no intrinsic value to humankind?!? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I know you have a decent soul. Otherwise you would not be on the path of self improvement and enlightenment.

If you are a soulless bastard with narcissistic sociopathic tendencies only looking for a quick way to manipulate women in to doing your bidding, stop reading now. My stuff is not for you. You know who you are…

For the rest of ya, I am going to unlock a quick bit of info to help you get to the top of this confidence breakdown.

Start by valuing your own time!

Most guys tend to lose confidence (and respect in their women’s eyes) when they stop valuing themselves, whether they know it or not. It can happen at any time in a relationship, and it can keep you from ever getting in to one.

If you are single and hunting for a great woman, you may be coming at it from a “needy” place. I know I did for a time. It was not attractive and ruined many a chance at some seriously saucy fun.

Check yourself on this. See if you are doing any of these in your relationship (wither committed or casual):

  • Allowing her to make all the decisions, i.e. following
  • Changing your schedule to fit hers.
  • Spending your days thinking about and doing little things for her with no reciprocity.
  • Being at her beck and call.
  • Changing your behavior to fit in to her desired patterns.

If you find yourself doing things like this, you may be Wussifried!

You may be saying to yourself, “But self, you do these things because you loooooove her.” That may be true. And in certain cases and situations, these may be very honorable things to do. But only at the right times and in the right situations!

If you do these things over and over, you may be sabotaging yourself.

By doing any and/or all of these things, you are not coming across as a strong MAN. You are giving away your power and losing her respect quickly. This is happening because you are not valuing yourself or your time. And your time is one of your most valuable assets. It is also something that you are in total control of.

By valuing your time, you are in control of yourself and the situations that surround you. You have the power of saying “no.” "No" to not leading. "No" to being a malleable little toady. "No" to being Wussifried.

Taking control of your schedule shows that you value yourself. A MAN who values himself demonstrates confidence. If you are having self esteem issues, learning to spend time alone can help you increase your confidence and learn to truly value yourself. Women will value what you value. Value YOU.

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When I was at my lowest and trying to turn my life around. It was very difficult to spend time alone. I HATED it. I would have the radio going all day long just to fend off the smothering quiet of loneliness. It sucked. And I was not in a state of true confidence. Eventually, as I regained my self esteem, I decided to spend some quality time with myself. It came in the form of a road trip. I spent days alone driving up the PCH heading up to Washington and back.

The key take away from the trip was that I learned to be alone, but not lonely.

I found that I was worthy of true value and that my time mattered. I was okay with who I was and that meant others would have to be too. I took control.

From that day on, I paid more attention to who I was being when it came to women. Was I valuing my time? But more importantly, were THEY valuing my time. If they were not, they did not respect me and the relationship was going nowhere.

I did not have time for that BS.

So MAN up, say “No” when needed and do not allow your time to be devalued by anyone. Spend some quality time alone in your own company, not because you have to but because you want to. You are worth it.

You only have so much time on this Earth. Use it wisely, my MAN.

Keep Spicin' It Up!

Getting on Her Wavelength

spike-kimberly-communication

Communication is one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. There are so many levels and intricacies that can foul up even the most mundane of situations till it becomes a huge mess. A single, tiny misunderstanding can uproot even the strongest relationships.

What you say and do is important, but how you say and do things is equally important. Ah, the fickle finger of subtext, how it wags and indicts! For example, if you apologize, and don’t come across as genuinely sorry, you are cooked, my friend. If your demeanor does not match your words when you profess your feelings, you will come across as less than honest, shady even. And this is bad. You need to be clear in your words and deeds to know that you are being heard correctly, otherwise things get lost in translation.

The worst part is, you may never even know there is a miscommunication till it’s too late.

So how can you be sure, you are being received and understood? Well, you can’t. Sorry, that’s just the truth of it. Unless you can get inside someone else’s mind and know exactly how they are hearing, ingesting, interpreting, and understanding your messages, you will never know. You can only do your best and hope.

So here are some things that you can do to help turn the tide in your favor.

1. Pay Attention.

Listening is one of the most important and also most difficult things to do. Most people are never actively listening to anyone. We have so much going on in our heads; a never ending onslaught of information, feelings, sights, and sounds. It’s difficult to add to that the intricacies of someone else’s own onslaught and funnel all their craziness through our filters.

But filter, we must. Take the time to really HEAR what your lady is saying. Don’t spend the moments while she is telling you about her day, searching for an opening so you can interject. Just listen. Clear your mind and open up for her. It will enhance your life immensely when you do less talking, and more listening.

2. Write Stuff Down.

When she tells you things she likes and wants, make a mental note. When you have a free moment, write down what you heard. It is a great list to check back on. You will know the gifts she is hoping you will shower down on her, the little niceties that she wants from you - that peck on the cheek she misses just before you leave, you telling her you love her every day, etc. She will tell you everything you need to know, you just have to listen!

3. Share Her Interests.

Okay, so you are not going to crochet, no matter how hot she is. Fine. But if she is reading a book or watching a TV show, notice what it is. These are the things influencing her decisions and reactions in her daily life. If you know the framework that guides her, you will understand the reasoning behind what she does. You will also be able to have enjoyable conversations, as you will be informed on her level. Take the time, even if it is not interesting to you. This does not mean you must subordinate your life to hers in any way. It just means, take notice. There is power in knowledge and similar interests.

4. Observe.

When something happens of any note, say a violent action in the news, a sad song on the radio, or even running out of milk; you will see how she reacts. Look for patterns. When you know how she will react in a given situation, you will know how to react to her. But more importantly, when she reacts to something, measure your own reaction. When you see the difference, you will better understand where she is coming from.

Let’s say something stressful happens at work. She may wail, moan, be angry and cry a lot. You, in the same situation, my pull back into your self, say nothing, and contemplate your next move. Knowing this, you can discuss things with her from a place of enlightened understanding. Ask her what she is feeling. She will tell you, once she is done emoting. Realize that is her way of dealing with the stress, respect it and let her do what she needs. Then you can work together to deal with whatever comes.

Taking the time to listen, watch, and engage with her will improve your relationship on so many levels. Communication is hard, but without it, you stand the very real chance of losing your loved ones, family, and fortunes. It happens every day, and it can almost always be traced back to a small break down in communication, way back down the line, that was left in disrepair. That injury festers and grows like an invisible cancer that will erupt if not diagnosed and treated. Don’t let that happen to your life, my friend. It is not fun.

Go on, be strong!

Overcoming Self Doubt

I have recently been listening to a spate of sad stories from DKYDers full of self doubt. They feel that life has dealt them a raw deal and there is no way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When they talk to most people, they hear the same tired old line, “Just get over it.”

You see, most people, let’s call them “they,” are always full of advice and pearls of wisdom. But what the hell do “they” know? What have they done to deserve to give you life instructions?

Most people do not examine their own life to a point that actually allows them to have insight on others’ lives.

So why would anyone listen to their “sage” advice? But some in this world have been there. They have lived through tragedy, they have studied that misfortune, and used it to their advantage to better themselves.

They are the ones that can give you actual insight and not just some hackneyed cliché. And even if they have not lived through terrible times, there are those who, study hard, and can still help others. There are a lot of things they will tell you that can help you move past whatever troubles you may have. One thing they will not tell you, is to simply “Get over it.” I can’t speak for all of these teachers, but I can tell you one thing.

You Can Get Through Anything and Succeed!

Doubt plagues us all at one time or another. But it is a false prophet. Ask yourself, has anyone in the world ever gone through tragic times, probably far worse than yours, only to rise up after and become truly successful? Of course they have!

And so can you!

This is why I tell you to study other people’s success stories. All the blueprints are out there just waiting for you to unlock them. They are called books. And they are frickin everywhere!

When I had my tragedy and lost everything I knew and loved, there was one thing that helped me get through it above all others. I read people’s stories of overcoming disaster. Many were far worse than mine. And yet, they survived. And thrived!

So if you are finding things in your life hard right now, have faith.

Believe that there is another way to go. A downward spiral will end. When, is up to you. Don’t wallow, seek help. You can’t just get over it, but you can get through it.

If you feel upset, be upset. Let it out. Scream, punch a pillow, cry like a little girl if you have to. Pain is called pain because it hurts. And heartbreak is a very real physical pain.   But once you get it out of your system, you will have to make moves to get beyond it.

Use the stories of others. Let their paths guide you.

Head over to a bookstore, sit quietly, and read about relationship, dating, business, and self-help success. I know this can help you as it did me. It will take time, of course. You will fall, you will have failures, you will feel like there is no hope. But everyday the sun will rise again and a new day will happen with or without you. I slept through many, in the height of my despair. But over time, as I read others trials and their triumphs, I knew there was hope.

And as I gained newfound courage, strength, and confidence, my life began to re-emerge. First, I crawled, then I stood up. Then I walked again. After awhile, I walked taller, I could see the possibilities in my life, and found the drive to make things happen and started to live again.

Take my advice, from someone who has been in the trenches, you can do it. I believe in you. And I hereby give you all the permission you need to stand up, face your demons, and kick them square in the jubblies!

Go On, Be Strong!

Take Nothing Personal

Easy Way How to Build Self Confidence

We always think that someone is talking about us, and sometimes it can make us insecure. Don’t let it get to you! Odds are they are probably not even talking about you!

If you think they are, that might just be your ego talking. And if they are, who cares! Go about your day. You are in control of you. You are in control of how you respond to situations.

If you’re not in control of you, GET INTO CONTROL OF YOU! How do you do that? Step one: Make a decision. Step 2: Constant and never-ending improvement.

And your homework for the day’s lesson is to buy and read The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Follow the link to buy on Amazon, if you don’t already have it. Get it read it, and we’ll see you back here next week!

Is a Rat Pooping On Your Dating Life?

I’m going to talk about something that I am seeing a lot of these days. A self sabotaging way of thinking that will limit you in just about every aspect of your life. A way of seeing all the down sides of every situation in your life, no matter how many great things and blessings you may have surrounding you every day. I call it...

Rat Turd Syndrome (RTS)

This particular affliction is not particularly contagious, but it is most definitely not going to spur attraction in the targets of your affection.

RTS is a very negative view of the world that keeps you, consciously or not, seeking drama and making your life harder than you need to.

Do you, or maybe you have a friend, or someone that you know, who always seems to have an emergency, problem, or crisis of some kind? No matter how much good stuff is going on in their life? Even when things are seemingly successful and they have every right to be happy, you know a backslide is right around the corner.

You see it every day on Facebook. People sharing all the drama in their life, in a seemingly never ending cascade of despair and victimhood.

Here’s how it works.

Imagine you are standing in a room filled up to your knees with gold coins, jewels, and riches of all kinds. And it’s all yours. But somewhere, buried underneath all that awesomeness, there is a rat turd.

And no matter how much wondrous wealth you are blessed with, you will stay preoccupied with that one dark stinky morsel that lurks, somewhere.

You are surrounded by amazing shiny things that add value and wealth to your life. But all you can think about is that frickin rat turd, buried in the depths.

You get more of what you focus on. Focus on rat turds, you will absolutely find more.

The saddest part about it, is that you don’t even actually know if there is a rat turd in there at all. Did you see the rat? Did someone tell you that a rat dropped a deuce in your happy place? No. But you just know it’s there. And it is driving you nuts.

This is a metaphor of course, about the little things that we let guide our thoughts in a negative direction. Things that for the most part, we may not have any control over. Yet we worry and fret and imagine all the worst scenarios that may come to pass.

Why do we do such things that only sabotage our success?

There will always be trials and challenges in life, but instead of focusing on the real, or imagined, problems we face, why not focus on solutions, and the possibilities of success?

Look around at where you are right now. You are breathing, seeing, hearing, tasting. You are living. You are not currently being tortured, you have food, you have shelter, fire for cooking. These are riches that many in the world do not have. Those are real problems.

And many of the people who actually have those real problems, have a much cheerier outlook than those with RTS. They realize all the riches that surround them even though they are going through terrible times. In fact, many of them are surrounded by actual rat turds, and are still more positive than most.

So, if you find yourself surrounded by many great things, but you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong, there’s a rat turd lurking below the surface; you need to stop, and ask yourself, why you are feeling that way.

Is it that you do not feel you deserve the blessings you have? Are you re-living some past failure? Are you simply a drama mama who thrives on attention? Only you can suss that out.

You are going to have to be really honest with yourself.

Take a moment every day to look around you and see the amazing level of wealth that you actually enjoy. Think about all the great things that have happened in your life. Even the shitty moments can give you benefits, you just have to look for them.

Be grateful for the good things and look forward to more good things instead of always being on the lookout for that one stinkin’ rat turd that may or may not show up in your life. Because if you look or the rat turd, you will invariably find one.

Keep Spicin' It Up!

Is Your Focus Killing Your Dating Life...Squirrel!

It seems to be that every successful person in any field claims that focus is the main thing that sets them apart from the crowd. The ability to be “present” in the moment and devote all your senses, thoughts, and direction to one deed, one project, one goal is the key to success in any endeavor.

But is that actually true? You bet your ass it is.

Sadly, in our ever increasingly hectic world, it’s getting harder and harder to do. At any given time you are probably juggling at least ten different significant tasks or projects, not to mention the thousands of errant thoughts that glide in and out of youroverloaded cranium.

What does this have to do with dating? Well, everything actually.

If you are constantly at the whim of unfinished projects and incomplete thought processes you will be in a constant state of “catch up.” You will feel that there is always something else you have to do, you may even find yourself stuck with that uneasy feeling that you have forgotten to do something, but whaaaaaat?

When you put yourself in this position, many things suffer.

The biggest casualty is your ability to chill. If you are constantly in that catch up mindset, you are sometimes literally running to catch up – with deadlines, things you may have procrastinated on, maybe even forgetting things that are important for your dates and relationships.

This makes you tense and hectic. This is not an attractive place to be. Stress ain’t sexy.

You have to recognize when you are out of sorts and take your control back. How? Here’s a few quick tips on how to focus better.

Take stock.

Make a list of all the things you need to do, some say do this at night as a brain dump, some say first thing in the morning. I say have a running list going at any given time. Have a note pad nearby and jot down things as they come to you. After all, if you do it all at once, do you think you will remember every little thing? Probably not.

Schedule.

Set up a time frame for each area you must tackle. I like the 50 minutes per task with a 10 minute stretch in between concept. (I learned this from Eben Pagan, btw. You might know him by his dating pseudonym, David DeAngelo) When I institute these focus sessions and stick to only ONE project during that time, I get a pantload more work done. Good focused work. And the work is much better. I actually use a timer, so I do not get distracted.

Prioritize.

What MUST get done first? Pick the most important and DO them. Get them out of the way. No procrastination. My pick is for what makes me money now! That is what I focus on right out of the gate. Then come the projects with more deferred reward, then passion projects, etc. This way, you get the stuff done first that will pay for the fabulous food with which you will be impressing your dates.

Always leave early.

When you are running late, you will be tense and reckless. This is when accidents happen. This is, again, not an attractive place for you. Especially if you are with a date or girlfriend. It’s the stressful times like these that will lead to you snapping at her out of anger. This you do not want. Bad juju. When you have plenty of time, you will be relaxed. If there’s a traffic snarl, no biggie. You just crank up the radio and sing at the top of your lungs like an awesome crazy person.

Now that you have taken hold of that massive amount of brain clutter that bombards you every day, you can now be present in the task at hand. Whatever that task is. When you carve out the time you need to get the important things done and focus solely on that one thing, you will truly be amazed at what you can accomplish.

This puts you in a strong leadership position, the director of your own life. You have a destination, you are productive. In short, you are a MAN that gets shit done! Calmly, coolly, with a quiet strength that is indeed very attractive, my friend.

Keep Spicin It Up!

Don't Have Regrets. Have Lessons Learned.

I have stated several times during my talks, that I have screwed up with more women than most of the guys in the room will ever even attempt to date. That is not exactly a boast. It just means that I have made more attempts than they probably will. More attempts equals more failure.

This is true in every facet of life too. Every one who has ever succeeded has one thing in common, they have failed more than those who have not succeeded. Michael Jordan was asked once how he was so good at sinking basketballs. He said, because he missed more than everyone else. Yet, he kept shooting.

No one will ever be 100 percent perfect at anything. It just doesn’t happen. With every screw up, every missed shot, there is something to learn from. But gleaning the lessons from failures is completely up to you. To be a success, it is mandatory that you do so.

Don’t have regrets, have lessons learned.

When you look back on your life and the relationships that didn’t go the way you wanted them to, you have two choices you can make. Either stay in regret over the failure and allow it to seep into your heart and mind and make you an emotional wreck, or face the failure, analyze it, and use it to your advantage.

You cannot change what happened, but you can change how you react the next time something similar comes your way. But only if you have the courage to face your failure. And that is not exactly easy.

You have to remember hard things, bring up all kinds of pain, in order to extract wisdom.  Most people will never do that. Looking into your personal imperfections hurts. It sucks, to be really honest. But it is necessary.

Take a second and think back on something that you did that you wish you could have done better. Maybe you lost your temper and screwed up a relationship, you drank too much and made an ass of yourself, or you tried a pick up technique that backfired. Personally, I have done all three at the same time. Oops.

Play the moment back in your mind and break it down. Some NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) techniques can be helpful here. Imagine the moment playing out again, only this time, you are standing outside of the scene watching it happen.

You are working from a different playbook now.

You have more knowledge now. You know what happened, what went wrong. Here is your chance to fix it. Standing outside of your self, you can tell the old you what to do to be successful. In your mind, replay the old scene and allow it to workout in your favor.

If this is difficult for you or causes you pain, you can rewind the scene in your head and play it forward a few times giving the players silly hats or crazy voices, things that will make you laugh.
Now, you know what to do should a similar situation present itself. By getting out of your own way and taking a failure head on, you remove its power from your life. You can use it to your advantage rather than let it rule you.

Whatever happened, you made decisions based on your knowledge base at the time. You now have far more knowledge to work with. By looking back with newfound wisdom, you can see the mistakes you made. As long as you continue to do your best, you won’t be regretful when you look back. But you can learn.

Go On, Be Strong!