Dating Tips

Getting on Her Wavelength

spike-kimberly-communication

Communication is one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. There are so many levels and intricacies that can foul up even the most mundane of situations till it becomes a huge mess. A single, tiny misunderstanding can uproot even the strongest relationships.

What you say and do is important, but how you say and do things is equally important. Ah, the fickle finger of subtext, how it wags and indicts! For example, if you apologize, and don’t come across as genuinely sorry, you are cooked, my friend. If your demeanor does not match your words when you profess your feelings, you will come across as less than honest, shady even. And this is bad. You need to be clear in your words and deeds to know that you are being heard correctly, otherwise things get lost in translation.

The worst part is, you may never even know there is a miscommunication till it’s too late.

So how can you be sure, you are being received and understood? Well, you can’t. Sorry, that’s just the truth of it. Unless you can get inside someone else’s mind and know exactly how they are hearing, ingesting, interpreting, and understanding your messages, you will never know. You can only do your best and hope.

So here are some things that you can do to help turn the tide in your favor.

1. Pay Attention.

Listening is one of the most important and also most difficult things to do. Most people are never actively listening to anyone. We have so much going on in our heads; a never ending onslaught of information, feelings, sights, and sounds. It’s difficult to add to that the intricacies of someone else’s own onslaught and funnel all their craziness through our filters.

But filter, we must. Take the time to really HEAR what your lady is saying. Don’t spend the moments while she is telling you about her day, searching for an opening so you can interject. Just listen. Clear your mind and open up for her. It will enhance your life immensely when you do less talking, and more listening.

2. Write Stuff Down.

When she tells you things she likes and wants, make a mental note. When you have a free moment, write down what you heard. It is a great list to check back on. You will know the gifts she is hoping you will shower down on her, the little niceties that she wants from you - that peck on the cheek she misses just before you leave, you telling her you love her every day, etc. She will tell you everything you need to know, you just have to listen!

3. Share Her Interests.

Okay, so you are not going to crochet, no matter how hot she is. Fine. But if she is reading a book or watching a TV show, notice what it is. These are the things influencing her decisions and reactions in her daily life. If you know the framework that guides her, you will understand the reasoning behind what she does. You will also be able to have enjoyable conversations, as you will be informed on her level. Take the time, even if it is not interesting to you. This does not mean you must subordinate your life to hers in any way. It just means, take notice. There is power in knowledge and similar interests.

4. Observe.

When something happens of any note, say a violent action in the news, a sad song on the radio, or even running out of milk; you will see how she reacts. Look for patterns. When you know how she will react in a given situation, you will know how to react to her. But more importantly, when she reacts to something, measure your own reaction. When you see the difference, you will better understand where she is coming from.

Let’s say something stressful happens at work. She may wail, moan, be angry and cry a lot. You, in the same situation, my pull back into your self, say nothing, and contemplate your next move. Knowing this, you can discuss things with her from a place of enlightened understanding. Ask her what she is feeling. She will tell you, once she is done emoting. Realize that is her way of dealing with the stress, respect it and let her do what she needs. Then you can work together to deal with whatever comes.

Taking the time to listen, watch, and engage with her will improve your relationship on so many levels. Communication is hard, but without it, you stand the very real chance of losing your loved ones, family, and fortunes. It happens every day, and it can almost always be traced back to a small break down in communication, way back down the line, that was left in disrepair. That injury festers and grows like an invisible cancer that will erupt if not diagnosed and treated. Don’t let that happen to your life, my friend. It is not fun.

Go on, be strong!

Overcoming Self Doubt

I have recently been listening to a spate of sad stories from DKYDers full of self doubt. They feel that life has dealt them a raw deal and there is no way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When they talk to most people, they hear the same tired old line, “Just get over it.”

You see, most people, let’s call them “they,” are always full of advice and pearls of wisdom. But what the hell do “they” know? What have they done to deserve to give you life instructions?

Most people do not examine their own life to a point that actually allows them to have insight on others’ lives.

So why would anyone listen to their “sage” advice? But some in this world have been there. They have lived through tragedy, they have studied that misfortune, and used it to their advantage to better themselves.

They are the ones that can give you actual insight and not just some hackneyed cliché. And even if they have not lived through terrible times, there are those who, study hard, and can still help others. There are a lot of things they will tell you that can help you move past whatever troubles you may have. One thing they will not tell you, is to simply “Get over it.” I can’t speak for all of these teachers, but I can tell you one thing.

You Can Get Through Anything and Succeed!

Doubt plagues us all at one time or another. But it is a false prophet. Ask yourself, has anyone in the world ever gone through tragic times, probably far worse than yours, only to rise up after and become truly successful? Of course they have!

And so can you!

This is why I tell you to study other people’s success stories. All the blueprints are out there just waiting for you to unlock them. They are called books. And they are frickin everywhere!

When I had my tragedy and lost everything I knew and loved, there was one thing that helped me get through it above all others. I read people’s stories of overcoming disaster. Many were far worse than mine. And yet, they survived. And thrived!

So if you are finding things in your life hard right now, have faith.

Believe that there is another way to go. A downward spiral will end. When, is up to you. Don’t wallow, seek help. You can’t just get over it, but you can get through it.

If you feel upset, be upset. Let it out. Scream, punch a pillow, cry like a little girl if you have to. Pain is called pain because it hurts. And heartbreak is a very real physical pain.   But once you get it out of your system, you will have to make moves to get beyond it.

Use the stories of others. Let their paths guide you.

Head over to a bookstore, sit quietly, and read about relationship, dating, business, and self-help success. I know this can help you as it did me. It will take time, of course. You will fall, you will have failures, you will feel like there is no hope. But everyday the sun will rise again and a new day will happen with or without you. I slept through many, in the height of my despair. But over time, as I read others trials and their triumphs, I knew there was hope.

And as I gained newfound courage, strength, and confidence, my life began to re-emerge. First, I crawled, then I stood up. Then I walked again. After awhile, I walked taller, I could see the possibilities in my life, and found the drive to make things happen and started to live again.

Take my advice, from someone who has been in the trenches, you can do it. I believe in you. And I hereby give you all the permission you need to stand up, face your demons, and kick them square in the jubblies!

Go On, Be Strong!

You are Owed...NOTHING!

Recently we saw the utter devastation of a deranged maniac in the killings in Santa Barbara. We cannot possibly attempt to say we know how any of the injured victims or families of the murdered victims feel. We can empathize and send prayers, but other than that, we are all at a loss. Now, and for the near future, finger pointed screaming, with the usual suspects being blamed, will be the standard operating procedure, which never does any good. There are so many things that went in to what happened. But in the end, all fingers point to one lone killer. He was insane. Period. He did this willingly and knowingly and he was a horrible beast, and, personally, I hope he rots in Hell. But that’s just me.

I took some time to gloss over his manifesto and video. Besides being an entitled little racist brat, he was a complete wuss in victimhood mode. Now let me explain why he could have very easily gotten out of that situation, if he just had the guts to do one thing. Look inward and understand…

You are owed NOTHING!

 

He was so focused on everything on the outside that he completely discounted where the true value of life resides, inside YOU! He looked at others who had more money than him, and felt insufficient. He looked at guys who had good looking girls and felt anger and resentment. And the worst part of it all was that he obviously had enough money, with or without loans, to go to one of the most beautiful colleges in the world, he wasn’t a bad looking guy, and he could have been anything he wanted to be. He chose to be a victim. I know, some of you may be saying, “But he didn’t have a choice, he was crazy.” Yes, he was. Certifiably batshit. My point is that many of you have felt frustration the same way (as have I) and you did not go kill anyone.

You can not succeed in anything in this life by being a victim.

You feel upset that someone has more than you? Get over yourself. It’s not your place to designate what others have, which they have gotten (in most cases) by working their asses off. If someone has more than you, congratulate them, then find out how they did it, and do it for your self! How? By working YOUR asses off. In most cases, you can ask them how they did it, and 9 times out of ten, they will tell you. YES, they actually will. It’s called Mentorship, and yes, it is taught in all successful circles. But most people are too busy dragging other people down, rather than building themselves up. This nutbag’s manifesto was a grand homage to envy, sloth, and the low expectations of “Woe is me” thinking. If everyone is against you, then you feel you must strike out against those “Holding you back.” That is a lie. Actually, that is a DAMN lie! No one is holding you back.

There is nothing you cannot accomplish if you do what it takes to get there.

Politicians have been using that “straw man” argument to get votes from people in perpetual victim mode forever. Don’t fall for it. Don’t let it put you in a state of despair. Read books on how to get what it is you want, take classes, watch online lessons, learn, learn, learn. But most importantly, TAKE ACTION! This idiot admittedly never talked to girls. He just thought they should automatically jump him on first sight. WOW, what a delusional dinkus.

No one, not Brad Pitt, not Hugh Jackman, not even the amazing Neil Strauss himself has that happen to them.

But you can be a very strong attraction magnet for many women if you just take action. And by that I mean to better yourself. Becoming a strong solid MAN is the best way to be attractive. If you have confidence in yourself, confidence gained from self improvement and achievement, then you will be a prime candidate for the affections of lovely ladies everywhere. It all starts inside.

This vile murderer confessed having a lot of feelings (besides the racism bs) that many of us as men feel when dealing with women. Yes, we can be confused, aggravated, and feel beat down when we do not have any success with women. I have felt it myself. But lashing out violently solves nothing, only proves that you are far too insecure to be dating in the first place, and have a long way to go before you even should attempt it. Again, look inward.

You are the key to your success.

In dating, business, and life, if you are not getting what you want, try a different approach. Examine what you have done that didn’t work, but more importantly, examine what did work. That is a success! High five yourself (not in public, trust me). So you didn’t get the girl of your dreams the first time out, but you did make a woman smile. That, my friend, is a win. You got turned down, but she thanked you for the flattery, sweet! Take those baby steps toward getting what you want, and congratulate yourself for the small victories. Don’t castigate yourself because you didn’t get everything in life you wanted without any effort. Where’s the fun in that?!? If you don’t have a few failures, then you won’t have good stories to tell! I could tell you about the time fell asleep while,,, oh never mind, that’s another article altogether…

In conclusion, there are bad people out there. They will do bad things. If you see someone who is hurting because of these normal yearnings for love or success, remind them that they are not alone. That there is a way to get all the wonderful blessings that this Earth can bestow upon them. But it will not happen if their efforts are fueled by hate, envy, or disillusioned life expectations. Work must be done. So when you are feeling tension because you are not getting the things in life you want and it feels like the world is against you, relax, take a breath and ask the one person who can change it all for help, yourself. Your decisions are the first step to change. Help is all around you, but it’s worth nothing if you don’t utilize it.

Go On, Be Strong.

Your Dating Bating Average

Have you ever looked at baseball players’ batting averages? You see numbers like .240 or .330 if they are really good, but what does that mean exactly? Well, that means that out of 10 times at bat, they are hitting the ball between 2 and 4 times.

That means they are NOT hitting the ball at least 6 out of ten times. And yet, they are the best! They are superstars.

When you talk to a woman and you get shot down, do it 9 more times and see what happens.

After awhile, you will get better, and believe me, if you are having success with 4 out of ten, you bet your ass you are a superstar.

Put the Play in Player

We have a schizophrenic problem in the dating world these days. And the blame rests on both sides of the sexual aisle. On the ladies side, we have the ever present “Bad Boy” syndrome and the fellas have “commitment issues.” I think I have a solution for both viewpoints that will take a very long time to implement and possibly even longer to explain. But since I only have a short article for you here, I will attempt to be concise and give you a taste. So how do we clear up this hazy miasma of misinformation, disinformation, and all around butthurt? Well, by...

Putting The “Play” In “Player.”

So, on the ladies side we have the constant refrain of “Where are the good guys?!?” This phrase often uttered shortly after a “regrettable” albeit rowdy and oh so satisfying ankles to ears evening with a “Bad Boy” who didn’t call after. Of course you are upset and don’t see the world in a rosy light at that moment. You feel used, misled, yet desperately wanting more of that sweet sweet naughty connection. Oh the enigma.

You crave that emotional pull toward the man who can quench your thirst for ultimate release and satisfaction. That attraction normally comes from a MAN who possesses confidence, strength, and (hopefully) integrity. Without the integrity, you are simply left with a brazen manchild, who may fulfill you for a short time, but will, inevitably, leave you despondent and neck deep in Haagen Dazs.

Now, on the guys side, we have said manchildren.

The fellas that just can’t seem to get it together. Good looking? Maybe. Smart? Possibly. Wanting to have sex with just about every woman in the room? Definitely. They brood, they smirk, they do what they want. And in the end, much of the time, they get what they are after because they have game, confidence, and swagger. We call them “Players.” But that is not fair, nor is it accurate!

That label connotes that men are doing something that is not normal and etched into their DNA.

Here’s a news flash: Men and women are different.

If you don’t believe that; stop reading now and go arm wrestle your babysitter. Men are predators by nature, women are nurturers by nature. Simple reality. Understanding these different viewpoints, though, can be eye opening indeed.

So, we have Skippy Manchild, who sweeps women off their feet, romances them, then leaves them high and dry. Who’s at fault? Depends. You’re in charge of how you deal with things and your emotional state. If you are a willing “victim” of the player, the onus is upon you. However, if Skippy gets more than just attraction through deceit and lies, then the onus is squarely upon his lying ass! A MAN does not have to lie to get what he wants.

And here’s where we put the “Play” into “Player.”

“Cocky Funny” is a term coined by one of my mentors, David DeAngelo. It means, have the confidence to attract, and have the humor to relax, so you don’t come off as an arrogant ass. Many of the “Bad Boys” only get part of the equation. So when they attract, they serve the part of the female brain that craves the emotional stimulation. Funny or not, at least part of what the woman wants is getting served. In a pinch, they’ll take it. But then, men are labeled “Player.” An incorrect label.

What if Skippy Manchild had been funny, cocky, and respectful to his ladies? If he at no time misled or lied about his intentions? If he was simply being true to who he was as a MAN, enjoying the company of those around him, open and welcoming to whatever saucy times may come his way? Would he be called a “Player” or a MAN?

I posit that men, and women alike, can have a multitude of dates, lovers, or sexual dalliances, as they wish, as long as they are being safe, open, and honest about it. You can’t call a fun, playful, honest man with confidence, swagger, and attitude a “Player” simply because is successful with women. He is simply being a MAN. So have fun, laugh, love, and be honest about who you are, what you want, and never lie to get something from anyone else. Period.

Skippy, however, still has work to do...

What is Don't Kill Your Date?

If you didn’t know, DKYD is short for “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips).”

DKYD covers all kinds of stuff about the book, panels, TV show we are producing, the whole concept.

So for those of you who are new to us, well, there ya go…

***This is live, it is an 18+ panel, and Spike does use some some harsh language here and there, so be warned….***

And if you’re interested in watching the full panel from Spike Spencer’s “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)” Live from Adelaide, Australia, click here to check out our playlist.

Thanks for watching!

Confidence, Confidence, Confidence

How do you attract a woman?

Confidence. Ladies like a man with confidence. Ladies sense confidence. You don’t have to be an arrogant ass about it. But be solid in who you are. Know who you are, and exude it comfortably.

You don’t have to have a lot of money. You don’t have to be the best looking guy. But if you’re confident, and can make a killer chicken or pan de tomate, then you’ll be fine.

Go On, Be Strong.

Stuck in Friend Zone Hell?

Fellas, it is very hard, but it can be done. And it’s all up to you… You must take yourself out of the situation first. You cannot change it while you are in it. Master the art of the “Take Away,” get some distance, improve yourself; then you can come back to the situation as a different and stronger MAN.

Go on, be strong!

When in Doubt, Shut the F*** Up

A Quick Tip on How to Talk to Girls

We as men are in a constant state of fixing things. It's in our DNA. Whether we are repairing a sink, "fixing" her plumbing, or waxing prophetically on how others should live their lives; we just can't help it.

Yes you can! A strong MAN knows how to listen. But even more importantly knows how to NOT chime in where it is not needed. When I am asked questions on what to say to a woman, it is very simple. When in doubt, shut the f&$k up. Say nothing. It makes you seem far more mysterious and intriguing than you really are. And it's easier than actually saying something that might come across badly.

If you do have to say something, ask a leading question, like, "And how did that make you feel?" She will gladly tell you and you will learn a lot more than if you were flapping your gums, telling her how she should react, feel, or act in a particular situation.

Go On, Be Strong

One Easy Way to MAN up.

So many of the women I talk to, have the same issue. They are wondering, where all the MEN have gone. Every time I speak in front of a crowd, and give this simple way to be more of a MAN, all the women nod their heads in agreement. I even get a “Hallelujah!” from time to time.

So when you find yourself in a quandary about what to do with your lovely, do NOT ask her to guide you. You make a decision and allow her to give you input after. This way, you get to lead in a manly way and she will respect you for not being wishy-washy and deferring to her to make all the decisions.

She has enough on her mind without having to make yours up too. And don’t worry, if she does not agree with your decision, she will most definitely let you know.

Go On, Be Strong